What IS it about some folks that triggers us???

Greetings, RAMBLE WARNING...all over the place so just go with the flow.

I was at a party at an establishment last week with a couple of friends in a group of larger friends.  My twisted ankle was still hurting so I wasn't moving around much.  I was wearing my lovely black ankle brace.  Anyways, folks were circling around meeting folks and hugging friends.   And a lady friend brought a lady friend with her.   This lady is a AF veteran and worked for NASA.  She has her own issues with the VA.  The thing is... that she triggered me something TERRIBLE.  I have no clue what it was.  I found my eyes suddenly welling up ( she was talking about some of her military career.. but she had been a he during that time) and I began shaking badly. I squeezed my friend and 'service person' D who had ridden down with my other service person J, (they are both going with me to the Dec 4 evaluation and D is spending the night with me goes with me just in case I get triggered.)  But she had never seen it happen before.  Her face blanched when she looked at mine, and she said she needed to go to the restroom.  Sweet friend, giving me an easy escape.  But.. the doc say.. I HAVE TO SPEAK MY TRUTH, not cover it up like I did for 35 years.  But.. it is soo ssooo hard sometimes.  oh.. So.. I softly thanked D (no one else had noticed yet) and told her no, I was going to have to say something.  It was much like last year at the Vet Center Christmas dinner when the Viet Nam vet asked me what 'war' I had been in to qualify being at a Vet Center (since they were once for combat vets only until they added us Military Sexual Trauma folks, but lots of the vets don't know that, even though they SHOULD!  Our counselor Miss C says she always tells her male clients that there are MST folks here.  <grins> She is awesome... and so I am sure that she does.  Group is on Mon by the way, so I know I'll be able to talk about this incident with my sister warriors who show up, and that will help.  But.. for here and for whatever comments I can get to .. help.. I just don't understand what it was that triggered me.  As I examine it, the best I can say is that it is the energy.  Something about it just triggered me.  She said she had been in anger counseling.  <nods> yeah... i could tell.  Because I am a Reiki Master, have been since '98.. I am extra sensitive.  My sister friends whom I have spoken with privately have both told me that this particular individual has had some real problems in the past.  I would have liked to get to know this person, but I'm terribly afraid that she is someone that just triggers me too bad.   Oh. yes. what happened.. well... I had to share with this fellow veteran my own experiences.. and as I knew that, before I spoke, my crying got worse and a dear sister friend sitting directly to my left reached out her hand to me and said "Are you alright?" and I said "No, no.. I'm not... "   I looked up at the lady - C  across from me. and told her that I was a veteran too. a Navy veteran.. and that I had been raped and beaten all four years of my enlistment, and that I couldn't have kids after the first rape, when I was 17.  And that I had buried it all.  Well.. she was immediately very sorry as were my friends  and those sitting there.  But.. it was.. so hard to say the truth. rather then sit quiet.  I don't' know why she triggered me like she did. But neither of my two friends had ever seen me being triggered. By the way, dear K was at home that night and not with me.  C expressed great sorrow for my experiences and said she had worked for the VA as something like a caseworker I think.  Some of the evening and what she said got very fuzzy.  She offered to help me. She said I should have gotten 100% and not just 70%.  That I should appeal my 70% and press for the100% for my PTSD. I told her, I have an apt for my unemployability on Dec 4 and that could just fix it all. Else wise, I'll appeal that.  She said I should go ahead and appeal my 70% if I lose.  I don't know.  I have heard too much that trying to change your rating can cause it to be less.  We fight so hard for every point of percentage, that I was happy to be believed, happy to be granted 70% for PTSD from MST.  That was landmark to me.  So I don't know. I'll play it by ear. I am only visualizing this being a good outcome.

I am Praying for my Christmas Miracle. Not just for me.. but also now.. for my dearest of all sisters, Ani.  I can help her, her daughter and ailing mom have a much better Christmas the sooner I get the money.  And. I can help her on a monthly level just a bit too. The heck with other charities. I wouldn't even be here if it weren't for Ani.  I stepped out on this path for her.. and God has blessed me more then I can say.  Her journey has not gone nearly so well.  Because she came forward after being raped by her patrol partner and was thrown out dishonorably on trumped up charges.  She is working to have her discharge changed and it was denied the first time. She sent me a txt last night though that the VA service person she is working with has uncovered some 'irregularities' in her file as to her dishonorable discharge when it should have been honorable.  <crossing fingers and toes!!!>   But.. I want to be able to help her just a bit.

Anyways... <sighs> I am learning that as much as I might think I like someone.. my body reacts to some folks in ways that I just can't control. And that spooks the hell out of me.  To start crying and having a panic attack right in the middle of a room of folks.  Granted we got there early and I was in a far corner where I am protected by friends.  Its when a friend brings a friend.  There  was another pair of friend who met up with a friend of theirs, and the 3 of them came and sat with us for a while. Their friend didn't trigger me like C did... but.. I didn't' like her energy or attitude one little bit.  I've seen her at get together before, didn't care for her then either. But this was the closest she had been to me.  How do you ask friends to not bring certain folks with them to your table because they trigger you.  Can I get over it maybe?  I dunno. Seems overwhelming right now.

kk.. think that's enough for now.. Gonna go build something in Inworldz.

Over and out,
Myst

Got a Date..

For my Compensation&Pension evaluation. 1200pm Dec 4, 2013.   For a point of reference, I filed for this back in August of 2012.   Its take a long while to get here.   
Now...I am .. nervous.  This is for the 100% unemployability.  I keep going back to that last day of work, when my disabled client kept poking at me, barking and roaring. In a theater, till I had to remove, him, in the car doing some shopping errands, during lunch, and all the way home.  The only blessing was that he was confined to a wheel chair. But he could also had seizures, so I had to stay close.  That day, he knew on some level that he was terrifying me.  He had no idea that it was because it was just like those four years of hell in the Navy, when the different asshates that harassed, beat and raped me.. like to do the same sort of thing to me.  Keeping me jumpy and scared. I've been having that nightmare where the client gets out of the wheelchair and attacks me like the guys in the Navy did.  So then I get up and eat chocolate in the living room and drink milk and try to get myself back from that terror.

I did get my letter back from my last employer that the VA said they didn't get, that went out in the mail on Tue along with a copy of a letter from my first Vet Center doc, because even though they have it for my PTSD claim, they want it all yet again.  They wanted the dates and address of the Vet Center I went to. Sooooo.. I included the great letter that Dr. L wrote me with the address there circled and stapled it to the require form with the letter from my last employer.  I will.. be so .. relieve when all this is over.  It has felt like life is on hold until this is done.  The first week in Dec is when I had planned to go to CA to see family and friend, but that did not work out, and since that's now the date of the C&P .  I am.. so emotional and feeling like I am on the edge of something.  Beth... is the first name of the Evaluator I'll have to talk to.  This appointment is not at the VA, but at some place run by Lockheed Martin?  And there was a note in with the appointment letter saying that 'This is not the doctor treating you so realize that they will treat you differently.'  WTF?   I know this isn't my doctor of treatment.. but just that note.. feels so threatening.. that it got me spinning in circles.  Deeep Breath.. Deeep... breath...

So.. now as far as I know.. the VA has everything they want.. today on Ebenifits, Under "Things we need from others' it has the C&P company listed. That wasn't there yesterday.  So.. now.. we wait I guess... till the 4th... I feel sick to my stomach just thinking about the appointment and how its gong to go.  

Please think of me that day, and wish me the best.. and that I get a Christmas Miracle of my 100% unemployability.. and then.. they can finally fix the teeth broken by those asshats all those years ago, and I can also relax a bit.. and have a decent income to live off of. Not justice excactly, but.. recognition and compensation. yes.. compensation.

Time for another cookie....

Myst, 
Over and out.

Prisoner of War

  


During a recent conversation on FB with some other MST veterans, I wrote this and it seemed very appropriate to post it here.  The discussion was about us being in a 'war' and how we were treated by the 'enemy'. 

As we WERE harmed by the ' hands of the enemy'.. it made me realize that I was a POW of sorts for most of those four years. I never realized it till right now, but that is how it felt. I was trapped. There was nothing I could do unless I wanted to be thrown out in disgrace and lose all my benefits.I had to walk a careful tightrope. Take the beatings and the rapes on an almost daily basis and pretend life was grand. Had to be friendly to my attackers to keep them playing a sick version of being 'nice'. The saying from all those years ago is still very true. "POW's NEVER have a nice day." Those of us that were and are still being harshly abused by the military 'justice' system and the VA to some degree are STILL POW's today. Because our war hasn't ended - yet. The battle rages on. Everyday I wait for the VA to decide on my claim, and my jaws and teeth ache with no dental care from the VA, I can't help but be triggered by the memory of the beatings much of the time. I'm still waiting to be freed from my 'prison of war camp'.

The more I thought about it, the more apropos the comparison is to me. And what the differences were.  I did not have anyone else I could talk to.  No POW buddy to vent with, or even hope with.  I had no hope of rescue. I had no hope of escape.  I had to cooperate with the enemy to survive.  I never knew when the next attack was going to be until I got my job assigned by the perps. Then I knew, they would be coming for me based on where they sent me to work so they could get to me. I knew there were others... but instead of as in a POW camp, where you have some sympathy and comrades that were on your side, we victims ignored each other, trapped in our own versions of hell and there was nothing to do but go along with the perpetrators.  Not even just 'get along', but to cooperate to avoid more physical and emotional damage.  I saw what happened to others who fought it or tried to get 'justice'.  It was worse then the attacks to a large degree.  At least I was in my own private hell, not a public humiliation like what those who tried to get justice went through. They were vilified and harrassed terribly and I just didn't have the wherewithal to go through with it. I knew the mean fucks that were attacking me would carry through their threats to destroy me if I tried.  As I said, I saw others try, and what happened.  I thought.. once I was out, it would all be behind me and I would get over it.  Humph.  Little did I know.

The only good aspect, was knowing I could get out after four years.  What I didn't realize, what that those four years would destroy much of the rest of my life in one way or another.  I picked all the wrong people to have relationships with. I drank and drugged to kill the pain.  I got mean and bitter for a long time, and didn't even realize why.  I anguished that I could not have children and raged inside that I was forbidden to tell anyone because of 'national security'.  On Dec 5, 2011, it all came home to roost and my life and career blew up.  Turns out one can only keep secrets for so long, and the longer you keep them secret, the worst it is when it all comes to the surface.  

 

Now all this is coming out more and more, and yet, the military still says 'they can handle it'.  Noooo.. they can't. They haven't in the 35 years since my attacks, and the numbers keep going up.  Time to take the power AWAY from the asshats and give it to someone who has both legal training and is neutral about the case. When your career may depend on you sweeping your buddies 'indiscretions' under the proverbial rug, then you've got no place in deciding the outcome.

NO MORE DESTROYED LIVES!!!!! 
 
 Over and out,
Myst

People Triggers

WARNING:
 This post will be a bit wandering, may contain bad grammar and typos. So if you are a word snob - go away!  If you have a heart and can read past that and understand the MEANING someone is conveying and be COMPASSIONATE enough to still CARE about what they are saying or cause that they are promoting then you are welcome here! 

I have always felt that if I can understand the gist of what someone is trying to communicate, then that's what matters most.  Everyone has their own level of education and literacy.. I worked with disabled folks who had a very hard time with writing and communicating for over 20 years.  I was a 'communication' specialist and what mattered was the content, not the way it was communicated.  If you listen with your heart... that's what matters.  I am most likely hyper sensitive to this particular subject, but ~shrug~ that's me and that's okay.


I had a bad night last night. Worst one in months.

It started when I was having a hard time taking a pill.  The VA sends me these 800mg Ibuprofen pills I have to cut in half mos most of the time.  I have to take a full one to get through the night pain free though..  Because of all the times my throat was squeezed and I was choked, it has spasms sometimes that I can't stop. When it happens when I need to take a pill, its worse.  Last nite was a really hard hard time to swallow the full pill.  So there was the reminder of a terrible time. 

Later at night, my insomnia had me up, and a comment went by on on FB that triggered me.  It wasn't the first time that a comment this person had made triggered me. And it won't be the last, but it's getting there.


It all comes down to keeping someone as a 'friend' when they post mean snarky stuff that is very triggering to me.  I have been keeping this 'friend' (who started out as the friend of a friend) around on the social media sites so that I didn't hurt her feelings by removing her.  I've sat by and watched her snark at my bestest friend till that relationship was destroyed. I wanted to unfriend her then.  But she had been nice to me, and I didn't' want to hurt her feelings as I said.  But - I've come to the final conclusion that I don't feel like she is good for me.

I'd posted a couple weeks back about snarkyness on one of those sites and was very close to unfriending her at that point.  Then last night, she made a honest but triggering comment about being a kind of snob which struck me as terribly mean last nite (which she may or may not see as such), but it really hit me hard and  I finally unfriended her from one site. And I did a short 'status update' about how I felt.  But I did nothing about the other site. I WANTED to erase all connections with her.  I didn't.   


When I went to sleep, I had a terrible nightmare.. I was being chased, and was cornered again.  And one of the asshats had me by the throat again, choking me - again. I was trying to say 'STOP!' but could only gurgle because of the choking.  Then thank goodness,  K woke me up from it.  I lay awake, gasping and terrified, and of course.. very very relieved that it had been a dream, and not me back there again today. After a while I manged to go back to sleep. 

My dear kitty slept curled up close so I didn't feel so alone. He made me feel better, as I slept, but I woke up still scared and shaking.  The dream still fresh as those terrible days when it was real.   

This morning there were a couple of kind remarks to me by friends about my status and the unfriending.   And I felt better that I had been proactive in doing so. But there is still one other site I still need to do that on.  So far, I have been afraid of causing a bigger uproar when I do. But friends, I am feeling like I really really need to.  I don't want to be friends with this person, and I don't want them to be friends with my family.   I had a good chat with my Sista, returning her 9am call I slept through.  She has never said anything to me about defriending this person, even though they have hurt her badly.  And... as I wandered in a daze this morning, I reflected, that after having read the past few months of snipy stuff, I would have resisted being very close to this person.  Its IS that passive aggressive shit I HATE HATE HATE!

I feel like a coward at this moment, trapped in a way, afraid to do what I feel is best for me to do.  Like I need someone else to give me permission to unfriend this person and to bear the uglyness that may come from it.  But not doing it makes me feel so out of control.

And... do I write and tell her way I am doing this? or do I just do it?  I would sure be open to any POSITIVE comments. 

Over and out,
Myst   

The Invisible War and Sexual Assault Awareness Month

This month, on April 22, my vet center hosted a showing of The Invisible War.  I was the guest speaker.  I've done lots of speaking events in my past as a fund raiser for a non profit, as well as a volunteer coordinator and some other jobs.  But this was my first public talk about MST.  My new therapist had helped me prepare for it.   

There was not a large turnout, and I was disappointed to not see the two men who work at the Vet Center present.  Their support by being there would have meant a lot. One showed up to deliver fans to the room, but then left.  But my family of Choice showed up and that was great!  

There were also some other survivors who showed up to see it, and I thank them.  I hope to get to know them better and be of help any way I can.

I spoke after the movie, and below is the text of my speech.  However here, I have added links to the two requests I made to folks present.
 ----

 

Ladies and gentleman, fellow veterans.

First I want to thank the Harris County Veterans Center for hosting this showing of the Invisible War.   I also want to thank my family of choice who have turned out in support of me. 

It was Dec of 2011 when I finally came forward after 35 years of hiding some terrible secrets.  I didn't do it for me, but for a dear lady veteran friend out in Colorado that I had met online.  She was covering a sick friend's duty watch in Desert Storm so he wouldn't be AWOL, when her security partner for the watch attacked and raped her, telling her she couldn't tell or he'd turn in her and her friend and destroy both their careers.  She tried to report it anyway, and was thrown out on a dishonorable discharge for having 'borderline personality dishorder'.  The military said it was all made up.  She hadn't made it up though.  She stil has terrible nightmares and flashbacks. She is the first person I ever told the whole story to.  I knew she needed help, and she said if I'd go for help, then she would too. So I did.  I had no idea how badly I really needed that help. 

My story is much the same as those you saw on the screen tonight.  I was attacked and raped by four different fellow service people while I was in.  I was told to never tell or I would be set up for court martial and my career would be destroyed and I would be thrown out dishonorably.  I saw it happen to others who told.  How they were harassed and ridiculed and told to just 'suck it up'. I knew I'd get the same treatment.  In my case, it was my supervisors who also controlled my work hours and made sure I was the one closing up the shop or working at an isolated location. They were predators who had done it before, were doing it to others at that time, and I'm sure they went on to continue.  They had finely honed skills. Command turned a blind eye and ear as it was their buddies doing it.  I know my first Chief had a good idea what his first class was doing, and as he hated women in the Navy, he had told me he would do anything he could to get me thrown out of 'this man's Navy'... so I assumed this was one of those things. I could not fight him, but I could survive, and as crazy as I might have gotten in years later, I hung on tight and did survive.  But it destroyed my career anyways, because I gave up. I didn't even try to advance in rank after the 2nd attack because I just wanted to get out.  the devastation it made in my life has lasted for three decades. 

When I got out, all I was was the proud veteran. All the ugliness was buried deep, so I thought.  I never told people the real reason I couldn't have kids, that I'd been beaten so bad I couldn't. Or that when my throat seizes up, its because CB2's idea of foreplay was to choke me into compliance. Or that I've got this gap between my teeth because they hit me in the jaws so many times my teeth fractured and as they've come out, my teeth have slid around.  PTSD like I have from those years is invisible to most eyes, but not to those of us behind the eyes.

I want to say that I also met some wonderful people while I was in, people I knew I couldn't tell or else they would do something that would hurt their careers, and would only make me feel worse.  I love the Navy, they just need to change the atmosphere.  You don't see IBM or other companies with rape rates like the military.  It all comes back to Command.

What you can do to help...

There are two things right now I'd ask of you. Number one is to sign the petition linked off of Protect Our Defenders web sight, on Causes..

--Here--

To: Chuck Hagel, United States Secretary of Defense

Last month with a flick of his pen, Lt. Gen. Craig Franklin set justice aside and overruled a jury’s verdict convicting Lt. Col. James Wilkerson of aggravated sexual assault of a civilian contractor at Aviano Air Base. As his punishment, Wilkerson was dismissed from the Air Force and sentenced to one year in jail. Franklin's reversal freed his fellow fighter pilot and reinstated him back into the Air Force, in part because he was described by friends and family as  a “doting father and husband.”

To General Franklin, it didn’t matter that Wilkerson had failed a lie-detector test or that his own legal counsel recommended against overruling the verdict. Instead, Franklin claimed that Wilkerson’s conviction and punishment should be overturned because he was a “doting father and husband.”

Franklin failed to mention that Wilkerson had a long history of misconduct.  He had already been caught peeking over a bathroom stall while a subordinate's wife urinated. Wilkerson egregiously violated safety standards, pulled rank to fend off law enforcement officials, was abusive to fellow military officials -- and that’s just what we know so far.

Despite strong corroborating testimony from independent witnesses and clear supporting facts on the record, Franklin, who did not attend the trial, decided that he did not believe the victim. Heard that before?

Unless Franklin is dismissed from the service for his biased and unfounded reversal of Wilkerson’s conviction, Franklin’s actions will have a chilling effect on victims who might otherwise report being sexually assaulted. It sends exactly the wrong message to bystanders, investigators, prosecutors, judges, and juries who otherwise might try to do the right thing. It confirms to sexual predators that they face little risk of being punished.  "

--

The 2nd thing is directly connected to this, and that is to contact your congress person and ask them to support the STOP Act.

--HERE for INfo--

"At a press conference April 17, Congresswomen Jackie Speier (D-CA) announced that she is reintroducing the Sexual Assault Training Oversight and Prevention Act (STOP Act) to address sexual assault in the military.  Jackie Speier has risen on the house floor over 20 times to speak out on behalf of MST survivors.  We deserve this support and we must support this bill.

In an official statement, Speier said “The epidemic of military rape and sexual assault is a damning indictment of the military judicial system’s treatment of these cases. True justice demands impartiality which is absent in a system that relies on individual commanders who have no legal expertise to determine which assailants get prosecuted and which go free. Instead of commanders making decisions about guilt or innocence, no matter how senior, an independent military office of trained experts should determine how these cases are treated.”

The STOP Act, which has 83 co-sponsors, would take sexual assault cases out of the hands of chains of command and place it under the jurisdiction of an autonomous Sexual Assault Oversight and Response Office which will be comprised of civilian and military personnel. This would prevent officers from being able to overturn sexual assault convictions like in a case last month."

--

This is the way to make a true change.  The military has been saying since I was in that they were going to change things.  35 years is enough time.  This last event I spoke about above must be the last nail in the coffin of injustice!

Thank you for coming.. 

---------------

While there, Wendi came up and  gave me her card.  Here is the link to her web site that is amazingly helpful. I've adder to to our blog roll.

One Weary Soldier

 Thanks bunches Wendi, I look forward to getting to know you and any help possible!

Thanks to my friends and family for continuing to being there for me.

Over and out, 

Myst

 

Catching Up

So..the new doc is great.   I really like her a lot.  I am seeing her weekly   I took two weeks off while getting reading for some other activities, but will be seeing her on Tue again.

The dentist was a bust.  They say I need special treatment for my gums, and it runs about $4,000 dollar.  Yes, four zeros worth.  Then to fix the rest of my mouth, about the same amount again.  I simply can't afford that.  Not remotely.  I found a dental discount program, and I guess I'll see what I can do to get some work done.  But it's so depressing, I find myself avoiding working on it at all, just taking more ibuprofen for it.

Good news is I figured out that my 70% is 'static' which means permanent in VA lingo. Whew.
 The bad news is that its been since early last Sept that I filed my unemployability, almost 8 months, but that it normally takes about 2.5 years for them to make a decision on it. If luck is bad and its denied, it can take another 3 years to get the appeal done.  :-( That's really really sad.   

Otherwise, other then dealing with the PTSD, and getting very frustrated over politics I won't mention here, life is good.  K had spoiled me by getting me all the supplies to get my garden going just like I wanted to, and I am spending a lot of time in it.  

I have another post to make about a recent event I was a speaker at...

Myst,
over and out

Of Docs and Dentists

So today, I am going to see a civilian shrink.  The VA in its wisdom treated my VA doc like such poo that she left.  I came in on the day after Christmas to find a new doc who doesn't think we need to talk to work out my problems. She says its all bio-chemical.  Shit.. I didn't have these probs before I was raped multiple times.... my chemistry wasn't off then.   Just sat with her arms crossed and gave me a different medication to take and I was out the door within 30 mins of seeing her. PFFFFTTTT! Screw em!

I like my vet center doc a lot, she's awesome... but now, I have this fear about getting started with a Vet Center doc and them leaving on me. So I came across a web site called "Give an Hour' where therapists are donating time to veterans with PTSD.   So today at 1pm, I have an apt to meet one.  I hope she will be nice, and I hope that I can do some long term stuff with her that I've gotten gun shy to do with my VA docs.  Losing my last VA head doc was very traumatic. She was really on my side and was doing all she could to help.  She understood how I felt about my meds.  She was kind and compassionate, all the things this new VA doc isn't.  I've come to feel that for my well being, I need to work with a doc that I don't fear will leave just as we begin to work on my past.  This way, if they leave, it won't rock m,y world as much, I'll still have someone with my history, and I won't have to tell the whole ugly mess yet again.  I am still going to my MST group, and that is helping a whole lot. Got some new ladies, pretty messed up too. Makes me sad to know its all still going on out there. 

And my teeth have started hurting again, and since I lost 90% of the teeth on the left side of my jaw last year, my front teeth have separated and now I have an ugly ass gap there.  And every time I see it, I remember them asshats punching me in the mouth and I remember when those teeth came loose.  I went to see a new dentist at a denture place on Mon, and tomorrow I am going for a cleaning and then a exam, and maybe fillings.   I am not looking forward to this at all for sure.  But K is determined that I start to get my teeth fixed so I can feel better about things.  See, I can cover up the MST for the most part, except for my teeth.  Now, the damage is showing there, and every time it hurts or I feel I have to cover my smile now (remember from my post 'the tooth'... well, I still am missing one of my bottom teeth all together) from embarrassment.  It was very hard at the dentist. I'm sure he's not used to folks crying the way I did, or not being able to talk from shaking so hard.  I always remember getting slapped in the face at the dentist when I was in the Navy and him yanking out my top wisdom teeth with NO Novocain as well, and it sends me into a panic attack.  Only by giving myself Reiki am I able to function. 

Time to fill out some paper work and get ready for the drive. 

Over and out,
Myst