People Triggers

WARNING:
 This post will be a bit wandering, may contain bad grammar and typos. So if you are a word snob - go away!  If you have a heart and can read past that and understand the MEANING someone is conveying and be COMPASSIONATE enough to still CARE about what they are saying or cause that they are promoting then you are welcome here! 

I have always felt that if I can understand the gist of what someone is trying to communicate, then that's what matters most.  Everyone has their own level of education and literacy.. I worked with disabled folks who had a very hard time with writing and communicating for over 20 years.  I was a 'communication' specialist and what mattered was the content, not the way it was communicated.  If you listen with your heart... that's what matters.  I am most likely hyper sensitive to this particular subject, but ~shrug~ that's me and that's okay.


I had a bad night last night. Worst one in months.

It started when I was having a hard time taking a pill.  The VA sends me these 800mg Ibuprofen pills I have to cut in half mos most of the time.  I have to take a full one to get through the night pain free though..  Because of all the times my throat was squeezed and I was choked, it has spasms sometimes that I can't stop. When it happens when I need to take a pill, its worse.  Last nite was a really hard hard time to swallow the full pill.  So there was the reminder of a terrible time. 

Later at night, after K had gone to bed, my insomnia had me up, and a comment went by on on FB that triggered me.  It wasn't the first time that a comment this person had made triggered me. And it won't be the last, but it's getting there.


It all comes down to keeping someone as a 'friend' when they post mean snarky stuff that is very triggering to me.  I have been keeping this 'friend' (who started out as the friend of a friend) around on the social media sites so that I didn't hurt her feelings by removing her.  I've sat by and watched her snark at my bestest friend till that relationship was destroyed. I wanted to unfriend her then.  But she had been nice to me, and I didn't' want to hurt her feelings as I said.  But - I've come to the final conclusion that I don't feel like she is good for me.

I'd posted a couple weeks back about snarkyness on one of those sites and was very close to unfriending her at that point.  Then last night, she made a honest but triggering comment about being a kind of snob which struck me as terribly mean last nite (which she may or may not see as such), but it really hit me hard and  I finally unfriended her from one site. And I did a short 'status update' about how I felt.  But I did nothing about the other site. I WANTED to erase all connections with her.  I didn't.   


When I went to sleep, I had a terrible nightmare.. I was being chased, and was cornered again.  And one of the asshats had me by the throat again, choking me - again. I was trying to say 'STOP!' but could only gurgle because of the choking.  Then thank goodness,  K woke me up from it.  I lay awake, gasping and terrified, and of course.. very very relieved that it had been a dream, and not me back there again today. After a while I manged to go back to sleep.  I missed K's warmth after he left for work. 

My dear kitty slept curled up close so I didn't feel so alone. He made me feel better, as I slept, but I woke up still scared and shaking.  The dream still fresh as those terrible days when it was real.   

This morning there were a couple of kind remarks to me by friends about my status and the unfriending.   And I felt better that I had been proactive in doing so. But there is still one other site I still need to do that on.  So far, I have been afraid of causing a bigger uproar when I do. But friends, I am feeling like I really really need to.  I don't want to be friends with this person, and I don't want them to be friends with my family.   I had a good chat with my Sista, returning her 9am call I slept through.  She has never said anything to me about defriending this person, even though they have hurt her badly.  And... as I wandered in a daze this morning, I reflected, that after having read the past few months of snipy stuff, I would have resisted being very close to this person.  Its IS that passive aggressive shit I HATE HATE HATE!

I feel like a coward at this moment, trapped in a way, afraid to do what I feel is best for me to do.  Like I need someone else to give me permission to unfriend this person and to bear the uglyness that may come from it.  But not doing it makes me feel so out of control.

And... do I write and tell her way I am doing this? or do I just do it?  I would sure be open to any POSITIVE comments. 

Over and out,
Myst   

The Invisible War and Sexual Assault Awareness Month

This month, on April 22, my vet center hosted a showing of The Invisible War.  I was the guest speaker.  I've done lots of speaking events in my past as a fund raiser for a non profit, as well as a volunteer coordinator and some other jobs.  But this was my first public talk about MST.  My new therapist had helped me prepare for it.   

There was not a large turnout, and I was disappointed to not see the two men who work at the Vet Center present.  Their support by being there would have meant a lot. One showed up to deliver fans to the room, but then left.  But my family of Choice showed up and that was great!  

There were also some other survivors who showed up to see it, and I thank them.  I hope to get to know them better and be of help any way I can.

I spoke after the movie, and below is the text of my speech.  However here, I have added links to the two requests I made to folks present.
 ----

 

Ladies and gentleman, fellow veterans.

First I want to thank the Harris County Veterans Center for hosting this showing of the Invisible War.   I also want to thank my partner... and my family of choice who have turned out in support of me. 

It was Dec of 2011 when I finally came forward after 35 years of hiding some terrible secrets.  I didn't do it for me, but for a dear lady veteran friend out in Colorado that I had met online.  She was covering a sick friend's duty watch in Desert Storm so he wouldn't be AWOL, when her security partner for the watch attacked and raped her, telling her she couldn't tell or he'd turn in her and her friend and destroy both their careers.  She tried to report it anyway, and was thrown out on a dishonorable discharge for having 'borderline personality dishorder'.  The military said it was all made up.  She hadn't made it up though.  She stil has terrible nightmares and flashbacks. She is the first person I ever told the whole story to.  I knew she needed help, and she said if I'd go for help, then she would too. So I did.  I had no idea how badly I really needed that help. 

My story is much the same as those you saw on the screen tonight.  I was attacked and raped by four different fellow service people while I was in.  I was told to never tell or I would be set up for court martial and my career would be destroyed and I would be thrown out dishonorably.  I saw it happen to others who told.  How they were harassed and ridiculed and told to just 'suck it up'. I knew I'd get the same treatment.  In my case, it was my supervisors who also controlled my work hours and made sure I was the one closing up the shop or working at an isolated location. They were predators who had done it before, were doing it to others at that time, and I'm sure they went on to continue.  They had finely honed skills. Command turned a blind eye and ear as it was their buddies doing it.  I know my first Chief had a good idea what his first class was doing, and as he hated women in the Navy, he had told me he would do anything he could to get me thrown out of 'this man's Navy'... so I assumed this was one of those things. I could not fight him, but I could survive, and as crazy as I might have gotten in years later, I hung on tight and did survive.  But it destroyed my career anyways, because I gave up. I didn't even try to advance in rank after the 2nd attack because I just wanted to get out.  the devastation it made in my life has lasted for three decades. 

When I got out, all I was was the proud veteran. All the ugliness was buried deep, so I thought.  I never told people the real reason I couldn't have kids, that I'd been beaten so bad I couldn't. Or that when my throat seizes up, its because CB2's idea of foreplay was to choke me into compliance. Or that I've got this gap between my teeth because they hit me in the jaws so many times my teeth fractured and as they've come out, my teeth have slid around.  PTSD like I have from those years is invisible to most eyes, but not to those of us behind the eyes.

I want to say that I also met some wonderful people while I was in, people I knew I couldn't tell or else they would do something that would hurt their careers, and would only make me feel worse.  I love the Navy, they just need to change the atmosphere.  You don't see IBM or other companies with rape rates like the military.  It all comes back to Command.

What you can do to help...

There are two things right now I'd ask of you. Number one is to sign the petition linked off of Protect Our Defenders web sight, on Causes..

--Here--

To: Chuck Hagel, United States Secretary of Defense

Last month with a flick of his pen, Lt. Gen. Craig Franklin set justice aside and overruled a jury’s verdict convicting Lt. Col. James Wilkerson of aggravated sexual assault of a civilian contractor at Aviano Air Base. As his punishment, Wilkerson was dismissed from the Air Force and sentenced to one year in jail. Franklin's reversal freed his fellow fighter pilot and reinstated him back into the Air Force, in part because he was described by friends and family as  a “doting father and husband.”

To General Franklin, it didn’t matter that Wilkerson had failed a lie-detector test or that his own legal counsel recommended against overruling the verdict. Instead, Franklin claimed that Wilkerson’s conviction and punishment should be overturned because he was a “doting father and husband.”

Franklin failed to mention that Wilkerson had a long history of misconduct.  He had already been caught peeking over a bathroom stall while a subordinate's wife urinated. Wilkerson egregiously violated safety standards, pulled rank to fend off law enforcement officials, was abusive to fellow military officials -- and that’s just what we know so far.

Despite strong corroborating testimony from independent witnesses and clear supporting facts on the record, Franklin, who did not attend the trial, decided that he did not believe the victim. Heard that before?

Unless Franklin is dismissed from the service for his biased and unfounded reversal of Wilkerson’s conviction, Franklin’s actions will have a chilling effect on victims who might otherwise report being sexually assaulted. It sends exactly the wrong message to bystanders, investigators, prosecutors, judges, and juries who otherwise might try to do the right thing. It confirms to sexual predators that they face little risk of being punished.  "

--

The 2nd thing is directly connected to this, and that is to contact your congress person and ask them to support the STOP Act.

--HERE for INfo--

"At a press conference April 17, Congresswomen Jackie Speier (D-CA) announced that she is reintroducing the Sexual Assault Training Oversight and Prevention Act (STOP Act) to address sexual assault in the military.  Jackie Speier has risen on the house floor over 20 times to speak out on behalf of MST survivors.  We deserve this support and we must support this bill.

In an official statement, Speier said “The epidemic of military rape and sexual assault is a damning indictment of the military judicial system’s treatment of these cases. True justice demands impartiality which is absent in a system that relies on individual commanders who have no legal expertise to determine which assailants get prosecuted and which go free. Instead of commanders making decisions about guilt or innocence, no matter how senior, an independent military office of trained experts should determine how these cases are treated.”

The STOP Act, which has 83 co-sponsors, would take sexual assault cases out of the hands of chains of command and place it under the jurisdiction of an autonomous Sexual Assault Oversight and Response Office which will be comprised of civilian and military personnel. This would prevent officers from being able to overturn sexual assault convictions like in a case last month."

--

This is the way to make a true change.  The military has been saying since I was in that they were going to change things.  35 years is enough time.  This last event I spoke about above must be the last nail in the coffin of injustice!

Thank you for coming.. 

---------------

While there, Wendi came up and  gave me her card.  Here is the link to her web site that is amazingly helpful. I've adder to to our blog roll.

One Weary Soldier

 Thanks bunches Wendi, I look forward to getting to know you and any help possible!

Thanks to my friends and family for continuing to being there for me.

Over and out, 

Myst

 

Catching Up

So..the new doc is great.   I really like her a lot.  I am seeing her weekly   I took two weeks off while getting reading for some other activities, but will be seeing her on Tue again.

The dentist was a bust.  They say I need special treatment for my gums, and it runs about $4,000 dollar.  Yes, four zeros worth.  Then to fix the rest of my mouth, about the same amount again.  I simply can't afford that.  Not remotely.  I found a dental discount program, and I guess I'll see what I can do to get some work done.  But it's so depressing, I find myself avoiding working on it at all, just taking more ibuprofen for it.

Good news is I figured out that my 70% is 'static' which means permanent in VA lingo. Whew.
 The bad news is that its been since early last Sept that I filed my unemployability, almost 8 months, but that it normally takes about 2.5 years for them to make a decision on it. If luck is bad and its denied, it can take another 3 years to get the appeal done.  :-( That's really really sad.   

Otherwise, other then dealing with the PTSD, and getting very frustrated over politics I won't mention here, life is good.  K had spoiled me by getting me all the supplies to get my garden going just like I wanted to, and I am spending a lot of time in it.  

I have another post to make about a recent event I was a speaker at...

Myst,
over and out

Of Docs and Dentists

So today, I am going to see a civilian shrink.  The VA in its wisdom treated my VA doc like such poo that she left.  I came in on the day after Christmas to find a new doc who doesn't think we need to talk to work out my problems. She says its all bio-chemical.  Shit.. I didn't have these probs before I was raped multiple times.... my chemistry wasn't off then.   Just sat with her arms crossed and gave me a different medication to take and I was out the door within 30 mins of seeing her. PFFFFTTTT! Screw em!

I like my vet center doc a lot, she's awesome... but now, I have this fear about getting started with a Vet Center doc and them leaving on me. So I came across a web site called "Give an Hour' where therapists are donating time to veterans with PTSD.   So today at 1pm, I have an apt to meet one.  I hope she will be nice, and I hope that I can do some long term stuff with her that I've gotten gun shy to do with my VA docs.  Losing my last VA head doc was very traumatic. She was really on my side and was doing all she could to help.  She understood how I felt about my meds.  She was kind and compassionate, all the things this new VA doc isn't.  I've come to feel that for my well being, I need to work with a doc that I don't fear will leave just as we begin to work on my past.  This way, if they leave, it won't rock m,y world as much, I'll still have someone with my history, and I won't have to tell the whole ugly mess yet again.  I am still going to my MST group, and that is helping a whole lot. Got some new ladies, pretty messed up too. Makes me sad to know its all still going on out there. 

And my teeth have started hurting again, and since I lost 90% of the teeth on the left side of my jaw last year, my front teeth have separated and now I have an ugly ass gap there.  And every time I see it, I remember them asshats punching me in the mouth and I remember when those teeth came loose.  I went to see a new dentist at a denture place on Mon, and tomorrow I am going for a cleaning and then a exam, and maybe fillings.   I am not looking forward to this at all for sure.  But K is determined that I start to get my teeth fixed so I can feel better about things.  See, I can cover up the MST for the most part, except for my teeth.  Now, the damage is showing there, and every time it hurts or I feel I have to cover my smile now (remember from my post 'the tooth'... well, I still am missing one of my bottom teeth all together) from embarrassment.  It was very hard at the dentist. I'm sure he's not used to folks crying the way I did, or not being able to talk from shaking so hard.  I always remember getting slapped in the face at the dentist when I was in the Navy and him yanking out my top wisdom teeth with NO Novocain as well, and it sends me into a panic attack.  Only by giving myself Reiki am I able to function. 

Time to fill out some paper work and get ready for the drive. 

Over and out,
Myst

Hollywood Missed the Mark - No Oscar for the Invisible War

Sooo we watched the Oscars, having some hope that Hollywood would understand the seriousness of the Invisible War and give it the nod, thereby recognizing all the veterans who have been damaged by the culture of military sexual trauma that goes on in all branches of the service. To show support for the troops and to enlighten the clueless But noooo.. a movie about a forgotten musician got the Oscar.  Not us, not the movie about Israel and Palestine... not even the movie about AIDS.  

For so many years, they brag about the Oscars also making a good political statement, and making folks aware of social injustice. But in this case, Hollywood celebrated Argo and Zero Dark Thirty, both military films, and yet, turned its back on real veterans suffering.  Abandoned us when we could have used their influence to be able to shed light on the military cockroaches who make a career of damaging folks like myself and the other brethren survivors of this war.  It was like they spit on us and opened the doors for it to continue.  It sucked and enraged many of us.

Left me heartbroken and disgusted for sure. I will say that I was thrilled to see that the Jeff Probst Show did a whole hour on the movie on Mon and even had the directors and survivors on.  I hope lots of folks go to see it, they did an amazing job.

Oh well... the battle meanwhile for the STOP act to go into action rages on.

Over and out,
Myst  

Lackland Hearing - Ass Backwards Again!

I'm gonna start out by saying that Retired Air Force Chief Master Sgt. Cindy McNally of Service Women's Action Network; and Jennifer Norris of Protect Our Defenders did a AWESOME job of representing us MST Survivors today in their testimony about the sexual misconduct of Lackland!!!

 I loved the comment by Senator Duckworth that she would have preferred that they had gone first in the testimony so that the Generals who were not there for the 2nd part of the testimony could have heard what they had to say.  I fully agree!! Next time, put the survivors first and then the higher up mucky mucks A) Are FORCED to listen to in their face testimony about it.. and B) Then have  to answer some questions that come up during their testimony.  Wow.. how different today could have been if just that had been reversed.  

But...on with what I thought.  The two generals... Bha... nice shiny medals a glistening as they talk about the downfalls and how MORE training would make it all better.  Although I did hear one comment that did make sense.  All the training in the world won't change someone's set moral guide, or lack of it.   Then it comes down to Command.  And all vets know that Command sets the tone for the Division. The point was made however by Senator Tsongas I belive, that with over 7,000 hours of 'talks' about Lackland - to this date, NO ONE has spoken either to the VICTIMS OR THE WHISTEL BLOWERS!!!   How can you possibly go about fixing anything if you don't talk to the folks who had it happen to them??????    

Senator Jackie Spears made the point that they had notified a certain AF base 30 days in advance that they were coming through for an 'inappropriate materials' inspection.  THIRTY DAYS... and ya know what they found?  A few things here and there that they didn't manage to get ship shape?  No.. they found OVER 32,000 ITEMS.    As was so well pointed out.. that just shows the contempt that the service has for that sort of 'oversight'.   They had 30 days to clear out and clean up.. but instead.. 32,000 items were confiscated.  WFT does that say?    In what civilian workplace could you have 32,000 items of offensive material????   And because if you live in the barracks, that's still a work place, cuz even asleep, your on duty. 

THIS IS A SERVICE WIDE EPIDEMIC! 

Some of the best points came on the subject of why military personnel don't report. Because of the shame and riducule. And the scary thing that was testified about today, is that its getting WORSE.  The attacks and reprisals especially are getting more and more vicious.  

And then they got on how to fix it.  Both Ms. McNalley and Ms. Norris spoke of how hard it is to get a fair hearing, even just to file a case by going up your chain of command.  Something like 23% of attacks were done by someone in their chain of command.  A big problem is that a Commander can completely shut down such a case at any time.  So they agree as do I with Sen. Spears bill to take this out of the chain of command and give it to an independent investigation and prosecution division. The military has shown repeatedly that it simply can't do this its self.

 A case was used to demonstrate a good reason to take this out of the Commander's hand as judge, jury and executioner.  One of the ladies was asked to stand up, and this was her story as read by Sen. Spear - to approximate.  That there had been a complete investigation and a trial for court martial was set up.  Two days before that trial a new Commander came on base, and he shut it all down.  Refused to allow  it to go through.  And he can do that.  There is no appeal, no way around that final decree by the Commander. Done. No appeal, nothing to do, just done.  No justice for you.  How can someone on a base TWO DAYS come in and just shut it down with no explanation other then he doesn't think there is merit to the case?  Could that ever happen in any civilian world?  ONE person decides it ALL. 

I am glad to see the light beginning to shine.  But it may be Tailhook all over again.   How many years ago was that, and still, nothing has changed.  35 years ago since my attacks and assults and NOTHING HAS CHANGED!!   I say, take it out of Commands hands until they can fix the attitude about this from the bottom up.  What I do see differently this time is lady senators who have looked into this seriously and know the right questions to grill these generals with, and to illicit the best testimony from the survivors.


And for the record, I didn't much care for that Lisak fellow.  Saying the military is doing better then the civilians.  Not with the conditions that exist in prosecutions in the military at this time.  In fact, filings, court martials and convictions were all DOWN about 23% from last year. And yet, we know things are worse????  What does that say about the systems  ability to be NEUTRAL???


Funny... I was supposed to go to the movies with a friend earlier today.. but she is home sick. So I decided to change up my schedule and watch the hearings and then go to a later showing of Le Miserables.  It's again one of those being where I was supposed to be seeing what I was.  It helped to watch the hearing and see Jennifer especially not taking their shit and spitting it back at them in a emotional but civil manner.  

Over and out,
Myst

"Sexually Enslaved"

I heard that term for the first time in connection with MST yesterday.  It came from here:

Uniform Betrayal: Rape in the Military (Movie)

 

 My wonderful Vet Center counselor mentioned in group that she had come here as I hoped (thanks tons and tons Doc-C) and said that she had watched that movie.  Its from Jennifer

Norris's link Justice for MST Survivors here on my blog roll.  I hadn't seen it yet, so I watched it yesterday.  Wow!    Very powerful. Thank you bunches to Jennifer for posting it!!!

I got a lot out of it.. and even took notes. Took me much longer to watch it because I kept stopping it to back it up, hear what they said again, and then wrote down what I felt were important aspects of it.

The words in today's subject line jumped out at me.  I know that many of the MST survivors were raped repeatedly, by different men on different bases.  Same with me.  But that term 'sexual enslavement'.. stuck.  Because it really, really accurately describes how I felt on both my bases. 

Both times.. 
The first... C-the-MM2 was my boss, and put me wherever he had the best access to controlling me at any given time.  Usually it was a closing job at one of the Special Services assignments.  Like the tool room at the auto shop area.  Or running the on base theater.  I learned that was to be the 'norm' of my life on the air-station I was on.  He's put me where he could attack me anytime he wanted.  And I had best comply if I wanted it to end quickly.   So I did... that lasted for almost 2 years. I was indeed, his personal sexual slave.

On my next base, it was two Sea-bees,  BU1 L and his buddy CE2 P (both supervisors over me) that took turns torturing me.  Like a pair of vicious Velociraptor's.  Sometimes it was one at at time.. others.. it was both of them at once.  They were mean fucks.  Didn't matter how much I begged them to leave me alone.. they'd just laugh. They had been on other bases before, and it was obvious they had their tag team drill well oiled.  On a huge wooded base, in the grounds maintenance dept.. turns out there were years of opportunities, again, for continued abuse.  My supervisors would send me out to a isolated part of the base with a weed whacker and then come attack me where no one could see.  It was.. terrible.  L was the most violent of them. He loved to hit me in the jaw before he choked me into unconsciousness, just to wake up to him slapping me awake so I didn't miss any of the 'fun'.  And if I didn't cooperate with him, do all the things he wanted... he hurt me much much worse.  I learned to do it to get it over with as fast as I could.   They were all careful not to leave marks where they could be seen.  But the bruises on my other parts were often horrendous and I would have to be very careful that no one saw them.  That also meant it was hard for me to ever be with anyone intimately.  Which funny enough, I did crave.  Just to be held and cuddled.  To be able to share my nightmare with someone.   There were some I think I could have gone and talked to, but I didn't want someone else to blow up and damage their careers because of me.  So I just.. sucked it up until I got out.  They were both there, still at it with others when I left.  I'm so sorry.. I wish I'd had the strength to stop them. But I didn't.  I could only do my best to survive. 

So for me.. the first was a rape... when the Iranian pilot attacked, raped, sodomized me and beat me specifically so I couldn't have kids two weeks after I got to my first base was a one time rape. That it was covered up, I was told to never tell anyone and that it was a matter of national security in 76... was one thing.  But I never had a term for the long and continuous abuse heaped upon me for years by the other 3.  Sexual enslavement. Yeah.. unfortunate. but that's the term that feels most accurate in describing my experience.  

DAM FUCKIN' DAM THEM ALL TO HELL!!!!!!!!!!!

I can see and feel so much of what they took away from me. How they made me live my life, how they screwed it up and how I have been so so messed up.  How did I keep it all secret for 35 years???  How is it I can feel guilty for not stopping them, for not keeping them from doing it to others?  I knew there were others. We could never look at each other or even talk to each other.  It was just too awful to contemplate.  Too embarrassing, and certainly humiliating. 

There was never any choice about what happened to me.  I didn't get to decide and participate as some folks like to claim happens in these cases.  This was not consenting adults remotely. 

Well.. I guess it's all come home to roost now. And it does sometimes feel like all 35 years are here, right on top squishing me down.  

BUT..... 

It's out in the open now. I have friends, an amazing Vet Center Counselor.. a great psychiatrist at the VA,  and my special K.. who keeps me grounded and supports me like no one ever has in my life.  He has given me back parts of myself that they tried to destroy. But because of him, I am also stronger then I ever was.  He has given me back a joy in intimacy that they took away for most of my life.  And he's been there since before it all blew up.. and he's supported me every step of the way. 

I am more then blessed...and I know it.

I am so much better off now then I was just a year ago.  And there are these amazing comrades in arms.. all the ladies and men in the Invisible War, Uniform Betrayal.. representatives like Jackie  Spier and others who are shining lights on the military cockroaches to watch them run for cover.  STOP THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF THEM I SAY!!!!!!

Yaaay for my blog where I can be as snarky as I wanna be, and any asshats will get thrown the F out!

Thanks again to any who come here to read.  Your comments and support are greatly desired. 

Over and out, 

Myst