Sunday, January 26, 2014

New Year Goals and Plans

Written Jan 1, 2014

2014 Is starting out watching the Lord of the Rings Trilogy with K, seems appropriate for 2014. A looong story of how the smallest and simplest was able to save the world with the help of a few loyal friends and protectors who believed in Good overcoming evil. -nods- That small group overcame insurmountable odds and grew in size. It gives me hope that change for the better can be wrought if we work at it together. Let us all as a community work togther to foster what is best for all. To be as loving and kind as we can be, to be of service to others and to give benifit of the doubt, and Grace. That is my over arching goal.

The last doc that the VA sent me to at the beginning of Dec for my last eval told me that I needed set goals, and to find a couple of causes to get behind next (now this) year and work actively towards changing something helps me move from survivor to advocate. The things I care about most that I can do something to help change. She asked me what those things would be and I told her. She strongly encouraged me to be as proactive as possible. So, I am following doctors orders, being a good little sailor and here are my goals for 2014.

This is not actualy a goal, but a way of being. To keep K as happy and healthy as possible. To be there for him, as he is for me. To keep him feeling valued and adored as my Precious. Yes.. he is My Precious.. and I can get golum like in my obsession to be sure that he is at the best he can be, and that I do the best I can for him as he does for me. I adore him with all my heart!!!

The first actual 'goal' that I told the doc I was going to do is to be actively working with other veterans to promote the passage of the Military Justice Improvement Act. I am a survivor of military sexual trauma. I never reported because I knew that the perps were best buddies with both the Chiefs and the Commanders who decided if cases went forward or not. I also saw Commanders overturn a guilty verdict because they were buddies with the guy and felt that the training of e-5 of e-6 was worth more then a measly e-1 or e-2. This Act will take that out of the chain of Command. The military is fighting this tooth and nail. They say they will change it. Well, my attacks happened 76-80 and NOTHING HAS CHANGED. If it were your son, (1 out of 5 males will be sexually attacked in the service) or daughter (1 out of 3) sibling, grandchild, mate, or friend, what sort of justice would you want for THEM? Would YOU want to leave it at the odds of how good of buddys the perp may be with the Commander. Or that Commanders mind set? Or would you want someone impartial (geee, in the civilian world a judge with some connection to someone involved in the the case in't allowed to be on a case, they must recuse themselves) to look at the evidence and make that decision??? A vote comes up in Jan for this. I ask every one of you out there to think of a veteran or service person that you love.. and call your Senator or Representative and tell them you want them to stand behind and pass the Military Justice Improvement Act.

Here is a link to more info about it:

This vote comes up THIS MONTH
Click on this to find your representive if you are here in TX:

The next 'goal' is a bit more controversial, but interestingly enough, the Doc was very much in favor of my doing as much as I could to promote my next cause. Which will be much harder here in TX. And that is to work on changing the laws regarding medical and recreational cannabis here in TX. I have joined the Texas Normal group and plan to do my best as a veteran who has had 6 out of 7 doctors (including VA docs both here and in CA) tell me that cannabis is the best medicine for my PTSD. It was a Marine veteran with PTSD, who stepped up to a counter in Denver at 8am this morning to be the first person in our nation to buy cannabis legally in 70 years. I pray that by 2016, I'll be able to do the same thing here. This doc told me that she had read studies on how much cannabis can help with PTSD, and 'off the record' she encouraged me to pursue its legalization for medicinal purposes.

Here is a link to Texas Norml.

For both subjects folks need to step up and do something. Here is the web page again where you can find out who your reps are and get the contact info here in TX.

The other thing I'll be doing per docs orders is some travelling. Which I will be doing with a very dear friend. <grins> We have travelled from CA to Maryland together by car and all up and down the CA coast. I'll be flying out to CA right after Valentine's Day, and then she'll drive me back to TX. That will be my first trip this year.

(Edited- I wrote this before I had my decision and before I knew I was coming on this spontaneous trip to France, so CA will be my 2nd trip of the year.)

The next will be our trip to Europe. We are going to be going to the Munro Clan gathering at Castle Foulis, which has been in my family for over 800 years. Over 300 Munros are expected to come. It will last for 3 days. Hikes, pipers, history, Highland Games, Scotch tasting and a formal Scottish dinner and dance on Sun night! My Da used to talk about Foulis.. and the family there. I look forward to meeting Hector, Chief of Clan Munro. I also firmed up on Mon that our trip will start in Amsterdam (per recommendation from my German friends who live 3 hrs from there), where my friends from Germany will meet up with my friend and I and we'll head to Germany for a couple days before catching a train up to Scotland. Then we'll come back down through London, meet up with my German friends again and then we'll spend a few weeks seeing London, Cornwall and Germany with them. We may then be in Spain for a couple of weeks, and then Italy. I want to see a fjord while I am in Europe, and my friends have promised to take me to see one. I have always wanted to see Europe and I look forward to it bunches. It looks to be about 8 weeks of travelling, and I'll miss K something terribly! But its something he strongly supports as Cindy and I have been planning this trip for two years now, ever since I saw that the Munro's were having this clan gathering this year, and she got her retirement from the state of CA.

Oh.. and as an avid reader, I am thrilled that the Outlander series by Diana Gabaldon is coming to Starz in 2014. Love the cast they have so far. Keep an eye out for it if you have Starz, it's a great story.. better then Game of Thrones to me. Set in Scotland, and I am going to see if we can go where they are shooting if they are when we are there.

This year has started out amazingly...I post this from France, where I am visiting a long lost childhood friend.

I have more to write on the subject of cannabis, most of which I will finally begin to relate soon as it HAS been by FAR the best medicine for my PTSD.   It is a horrid shame that I cannot have it here as I did in CA as PRESCRIBED by my doctors.  They had more concerns about my using the prescribed meds for depression and anxiety which all the honest ones said had many negative side effects that cannabis did not.

God is good and I am exceedingly grateful for all the blessings that have come my way.  Things are already happening and I am excited.  I will be putting myself out there to some degree, and I pray it will help others, just as I have hoped this blog will help others.

Over and out,

Monday, January 13, 2014

"Here, at the end of all things"

Well.. dearest friends and readers.  It. Is. Done.  I got the unemployability, with the magic sentence that it is permanent and no further appointments are required.  Andddd.. amazingly enough.. they back dated the pay to when I got my 70% a year ago July!  The relief from this.. there are not words to describe.  It has been like silence after years of screaming.  Peace when there has been struggle.  No more uncertainty! I have worked since I was about 14.  But now... I am officially 'retired'. I have not been able to work the past two years since my breakdown but I worried about it.  Was it just me who felt like it was too much?  In the end, no.. it wasn't.. It was reality of things that have happened in the past, catching up in the present, but firming up a financial stability I have never known.  My friends all know I have always struggled to work, being successful with people and helping, but not so much with money.  For a few years, I did really really well, but I was mostly supporting others besides myself.  Now, my beloved partner fully supports me and my goals.  I have not had to 'worry' about a home, well, unless something happens to him.  But, now, I have that assured by being able to handle it financially.   I am glad he knew me when I was doing well enough to take him on a vacation to the redwoods one time.  I am incredibly grateful for the love, care and pampering he has given me for all the years I have known him. 

 Justice, not really.. but it is a form of reparation. Following in other's footsteps, I made goals that I am now being able fulfill. A newer car, and mostly travel!  I WILL get to travel freely in Europe with my friends, and that is my main therapy for the year!  And my partner is very supportive of it, even though I will miss him terribly. I hope to be able to fly him over for a few days while I am there. Huh. Fancy that.  

I am sorry that I am rambling.. I am still in a bit of shock.  We had a double birthday party that had been scheduled for a couple of months that was happening at the exact same time.  I am in the midst of planning 3 trips, two to Europe  (one NEXT WEEK!!! To Paris to see a childhood friend) and one to CA next month. And then, what is looking like 10 weeks in Europe this summer.

This HAS all felt incredibly surreal to some degree.  From the finding out (and I still haven't gotten their official letter yet) the case was closed (a week ago today in fact) and I know you can't call.  I didn't want to wait if I could figure out how to find out. So I checked the 'download benefits letters' section and OH MY GOSH.... THERE IT WAS!  That I was now given 100% status for being permanently unemployable.  I printed out those letters before they could vanish from the ether.  Oh, and K was travelling at the time so I was home alone. 0.0  The excitement.. and more.. the relief was.. humbling.  And so I did thank the God who loves me beyond all things and who I am so grateful to.  A new mindset.  So.. yes.. I got a new computer, the one I was using was 8 years old.  I got a mostly new car, the one I was driving was a 98.  The timing was such that I was able to put my Corolla's key on a new key chain, in a little box and give it to my sister friend here as a gift.  Her car was squished by a tree in hurricane Ike.  If I had wanted to plan the timing this way, I could not have.  How amazing is the Unknowable Essence of Love that although I had wanted the $$ for Christmas, this timing, of coming so I could gift this amazing family with my old car, which is still very reliable is 1000's of times better then my plan.  

Soo.  I will still be here though.  I am still watching the boards and commenting every where I can on behalf of veterans rights and MST awareness for both men and women.  I tell everyone I can about it...I owe it to the the others who can't speak out.

But I do want everyone that reads this that might know someone who needs help from the VA, to get it.  I know others that came long before me are still waiting.  That gives me sorrow.  So I will keep speaking out on expediting processing of of claims for veterans too.  

I will say the ebenifits web page really was up to the moment on what was happening and I found that AWESOME!  I didn't know about it when I did my initial filing so it was all a mystery and a surprise. Hmmm.. not sure if it was better to see it processing then be clueless... ah. yeah.. knowing was better.  Although the dates were WAAAAYYYY off.  When it moved to the 2nd to last stage, the ending dates got further out then they had been before.  0.0    So, I figure the VA folks are like Scotty.  They say it won't be done until May 2014-Dec 2015... then the last update was March 2014-Aug 2014.  But ended on Jan 6.  Soo.. they throw out this long ass date, then poof, magic, its done' months and months early! Just like Scotty.. "Right Capt. will be 8 hours."  Capt: "No, I need it in 6!" Scotty " I canna do that Capt, we'll blow the engines, but I'll try"  3 hours later- Scotty: "We ready to go  Capt!" Capt: Your a miracle worker Scotty!"  Scotty with a grin and a wink "Aye Capt!"

Thanks to all who came here.. thanks especially to beloved Joan (from Enemy in the Wire) whom I did text as soon as I found out!   Whooohoooo!!!

So.. signing off for now,
over and out,

Sunday, December 15, 2013

Interchange at the End of my Career

I wanted to save, for posterity perhaps, this interchange between
 myself and my then Vet Center Doc.  This is the end of my 
statement to the VA that I then mailed to the doc, and her 

My letter to her was followed by my statement to the VA which is 
one of the first links here.

Dear Dr. L..

I had a very rough week.. and felt like I needed to write you a bit about it too.  Seemed if you have
 time to read this then it will save us some time and my having to say it all over again.
 I hope that's okay.

I have been working on my statement for the VA.. I'll paste it below since I'm not sure that you
 can get an attachment at this address. I did something of a Hemingway and decided to hole
 up with my laptop and some decaf coffee on Thur nite to get it done.  And I did. 
Until 2:30am.  All 10 pages,although its 14pt font. But now.. its done. 

The next day, I had to work with the severely disabled man I've been working with since Aug. 
 He is very unpredictable and had been known to have violent temper outbursts.  It takes all
 I can to focus and keep calm to work with him the past few months, but I've managed. 
 Fri though, I was very tired and feeling a bit beat up from the recounting of the whole ugly
 mess. Anyways... Joey suddenly started poking me and growling and roaring at me loudly
 in the movie theatre on Fri. It startled me and I asked him to stop and he did for a bit. 

Then after the movie, at lunch time, he started doing it again. Every time he poked me, I couldn't
 help but jump, and it took all I could not to just run away.  I told him to stop that he was scaring
 me. *sigh* That was the wrong thing to say in retrospect.  But I was jumpy and scared and he was
 throwing bad energy at me.  Then when I was driving me home, he poked me again several times
 and roared, growled and barked.  By the time I got him home I was totally shaken.  My back isn't
 the best, and when I'm stressed like I was, I have an even harder time with his wheelchair. 
 I got him in, wrote about the poking in my daily notes, and when I stopped at the office afterwards,
 I told the secretary about it It was hard to hold it together, and when I got to the car, I lost it and
 just shook and sobbed for a bitbefore I could get home. 

 My husband was at the house getting some things, and he was upset at how upset I was.  He said that
 he hated seeing me that shook up and that one of the last things he was going to do as my husband, 
was tell me that he felt I needed to quit immediately.   He didn't want me to have to go back and work
 with Joey even one more time.  He said he'd try to get some money to help us get thru till I am able to 
move at then end of Feb.  So, I called the office on Sat morning, and got the same secretary I had seen 
the day before. I went into more detail and she could tell how upset I was.   She apologized for Joye's
 behavior and I told her that he knew now that he could scare me and that I just couldn't handle him
 anymore. She said she could see that I was traumatized the day before and she hadn't wanted to 
make it worse by prying too much. She said she was sorry, that I'd been an exemplary employee and 
if I ever came back from Texas, to see if they had any suitable clients. 

  I feel like such a failure doc.. i can't even handle this guy... but. I do feel better that I don't have t
 go deal with him anymore either.  I hope you feel I made the right choice.. 

One of my friends suggested that I add a note to my statement about what happened and
 my having to quit, so I did. 

Looking forward to seeing you Tue,


End of my statement below:

It was of some note to me to realize after talking with Dr. L, that indeed
,  I have not been able to hold any job where a man was my direct
 boss, or even interview with men bosses since I left the Navy.  I 
thought I was just a failure and a loser like they told me I was.  
Turns out, I am not those things, but I was and still am severely
 traumatized by them beating that into my head, heart, and body.
 Only my soul remained true to me, and by God’s grace,
I have survived.

NOTE: Jan 7, 2012
Yesterday was a terrible day. on this statement all night. And then,
 yesterday morning, the severely disabled man I have been working 
with kept poking me, suddenly barking and growling loudly at me.
 I kept asking him nicely to stop and told him that he was scaring me. 
 He did this all during the movie I had to take him to, during lunch, 
and then while I was driving too.   He is totally untrainable and
 unpredictable..  After my shift, I sat in the car and sobbed, totally
 traumatized.  I wrote it in the daily notes at the end of my shift, and
 then I talked to the secretary at Indecare and then had nightmares all 
nite.  So this morning I called and quit my job working with him. You can
 also call and talk to Indecare ###-####, ask for Cheryl.  She can tell
 you how upset I am.  I just can’t make myself go back and face another
 day of it. I just CAN’T!!!

“I hereby certify that the information I have given it true to the best of 
my knowledge and belief”

 I emailed the full document above, with the added note in it to my
 Doc at the time, and I love what she wrote back.  
Made me feel like I had finally made the right decision.

from Doc L
to me
Romana, it sounds like quitting was the right thing. Having a man, even a disabled one, physically 
touching you without your permission (and after asking him not to) would obviously trigger your
 PTSD. I read your account. I knew there were more incidents but I had no idea how frequent or 
severe they were. I am so sorry for all you  have been through, and the toll it has taken on your
 life. I am here for you, and hope I can help you to get through this. Thank you for trusting me
 with this intensely personal information.  I’ll see you tomorrow afternoon.


 God Bless the Doc, she was an awesome lady for sure!

Over and out, 

Post Pension and Compensation Eval Catchup.

Greetings Friends and Readers,

So, on Dec 4th, I had my appointment for the C&P.  My friends J and D came to take me since K was out of town and I know I can't go to these things alone.  It was also decided that D would stay the night in case things went sideways.  One never knows how its going to go.

So I was fine until we got there.  What is it about those places that trigger the hell out of me????  Knowing I'm gonna have to tell the whole ugly story from beginning to now.  We sat down, and the tears just started falling as I felt the past sweep up and over me.  I could feel D holding my hand, and J, rubbing my shoulder.  Do you have any idea how mortifying it is to be sitting in a Dr.'s office weeping uncontrollably??? There were only a few folks in the office, but one of them a man, sat across from us, and stared at me.  I wanted to fall through the floor.  The tears got worse, and since we had gotten there plenty early, I sat and wept for about 45 min.  The man looked sympathetic and said "They ought to give you a pain killer for that".... well. I looked up, smiled wryly I think and said "Well, this is from PTSD, no painkiller for it"  He blanched and nodded and looked sad.  Sigh.  

Finally I got called in. The doctor said she would give me a diagnosis before I left.  Okay.. I've had a series of those before for the same thing, by the VA themselves, but I guess they feel they have to pay someone outside the system to verify what they say inside the system.   Seems like a waste of money to me, but, I suppose I can see the point.    

So, yes. I had to tell it all. From childhood though that morning.  It was... as hard as it always is.   My Veterans advocate Wendi had told me to feel that day as if it was my worst. I didn't have to do anything for that to happen.  In the blink of an eye, a good day can send me hiding under my covers, doing my best not to cave and drink myself oblivious like I used to.  I try to hang on through it.  So. I told her all.  Answered all her questions.  I could tell I had shocked her a few times.  Yes, the barbarianism of our own troops to their own brethren. She told me that I do indeed have severe PTSD and depression. Ya think????    She was very nice and kind and that was helpful.  These things I never even told my family or closest friends, I now have to recount to a complete stranger.   Sighs.  Well, now it's done thank goodness.  She did have some good things to day.   She told me that I should continue getting therapy, and working to move from victim to survivor to advocate.  She felt strongly that the advocacy for myself and other veterans would go a long way to helping me heal.  And I agree. 

So right now, the Military Justice Improvement Act will come up for a vote in January.  I spent time yesterday composing a letter, and looking up my local Representatives to ask them to support it.  I tell an abbreviated version of my story with a link to this blog.  I hope that if they do see fit to look into the true story of one survivor, it will lead them to help others by supporting this act.   

Other then that..  I've had a harder time lately with emotions being out of control.  I lost it during Hunger Games 2.  Donald Sutherland's character was such an asshatlying and changing rules, that he reminded me of the Petty Officers and Chief's that I knew while I was in who did the exact same shit to me.  And my life was threatened. I was told numerous times that I could easily get lost on a base that had hundred of acres of woods to disappear or be lost on. So it all really trigged me.  Poor K, he felt so bad, but it wasn't his fault of course.  The first movie didn't affect me that way at all. But I was crying so bad we had to go home after the movie as I wasn't up to having dinner out and being stared at.  

Then, this Fri, we tried a reboot of last weeks dinner.  And I was fine, till I mentioned a fellow MST survivor for whom the system has gone all wrong. Annnnd dang it.. found myself awash in tears again.  DAMN!!!   And the waitress gave me that look of both pity and not knowing what to do, so she just ignored me.  I woulda felt better if she'd asked if I was okay and I could have mumbled about service connected PTSD.  Sigh.  Again.  The past screws up the present.   As least I got myself together enough to go along for grocery shopping.  Thank goodness that K is so sweet and patient with me.  My ex could never handle the waterworks and made me feel bad for being so emotional.  But we never knew the cause like we do now.  And knowing sure does help!!!

So, now we wait. And see how long it will take the VA to make a decision on my unemployability.  I pray they grant it so I can get my teeth fixed and be able to be more independent financially. And to feel like I've gotten a tiny bit of reparation for the decades of insanity caused by years of hidden beatings and rapes.  

I don't feel at all Christmas'y this year.  Just... wary.  And waiting.  And hoping that my Representatives will do their part to change the injustice of the current military justice system.  I do wish everyone else a very Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all!

I am still here. I am still trying.  That's the best I can do.. but I hope to be free soon to be done with tests and trying to prove the truth.  It is what it is. 

Over and out, 

Saturday, November 23, 2013

What IS it about some folks that triggers us???

Greetings, RAMBLE WARNING...all over the place so just go with the flow.

I was at a party at an establishment last week with a couple of friends in a group of larger friends.  My twisted ankle was still hurting so I wasn't moving around much.  I was wearing my lovely black ankle brace.  Anyways, folks were circling around meeting folks and hugging friends.   And a lady friend brought a lady friend with her.   This lady is a AF veteran and worked for NASA.  She has her own issues with the VA.  The thing is... that she triggered me something TERRIBLE.  I have no clue what it was.  I found my eyes suddenly welling up ( she was talking about some of her military career.. but she had been a he during that time) and I began shaking badly. I squeezed my friend and 'service person' D who had ridden down with my other service person J, (they are both going with me to the Dec 4 evaluation and D is spending the night with me goes with me just in case I get triggered.)  But she had never seen it happen before.  Her face blanched when she looked at mine, and she said she needed to go to the restroom.  Sweet friend, giving me an easy escape.  But.. the doc say.. I HAVE TO SPEAK MY TRUTH, not cover it up like I did for 35 years.  But.. it is soo ssooo hard sometimes.  oh.. So.. I softly thanked D (no one else had noticed yet) and told her no, I was going to have to say something.  It was much like last year at the Vet Center Christmas dinner when the Viet Nam vet asked me what 'war' I had been in to qualify being at a Vet Center (since they were once for combat vets only until they added us Military Sexual Trauma folks, but lots of the vets don't know that, even though they SHOULD!  Our counselor Miss C says she always tells her male clients that there are MST folks here.  <grins> She is awesome... and so I am sure that she does.  Group is on Mon by the way, so I know I'll be able to talk about this incident with my sister warriors who show up, and that will help.  But.. for here and for whatever comments I can get to .. help.. I just don't understand what it was that triggered me.  As I examine it, the best I can say is that it is the energy.  Something about it just triggered me.  She said she had been in anger counseling.  <nods> yeah... i could tell.  Because I am a Reiki Master, have been since '98.. I am extra sensitive.  My sister friends whom I have spoken with privately have both told me that this particular individual has had some real problems in the past.  I would have liked to get to know this person, but I'm terribly afraid that she is someone that just triggers me too bad.   Oh. yes. what happened.. well... I had to share with this fellow veteran my own experiences.. and as I knew that, before I spoke, my crying got worse and a dear sister friend sitting directly to my left reached out her hand to me and said "Are you alright?" and I said "No, no.. I'm not... "   I looked up at the lady - C  across from me. and told her that I was a veteran too. a Navy veteran.. and that I had been raped and beaten all four years of my enlistment, and that I couldn't have kids after the first rape, when I was 17.  And that I had buried it all.  Well.. she was immediately very sorry as were my friends  and those sitting there.  But.. it was.. so hard to say the truth. rather then sit quiet.  I don't' know why she triggered me like she did. But neither of my two friends had ever seen me being triggered. By the way, dear K was at home that night and not with me.  C expressed great sorrow for my experiences and said she had worked for the VA as something like a caseworker I think.  Some of the evening and what she said got very fuzzy.  She offered to help me. She said I should have gotten 100% and not just 70%.  That I should appeal my 70% and press for the100% for my PTSD. I told her, I have an apt for my unemployability on Dec 4 and that could just fix it all. Else wise, I'll appeal that.  She said I should go ahead and appeal my 70% if I lose.  I don't know.  I have heard too much that trying to change your rating can cause it to be less.  We fight so hard for every point of percentage, that I was happy to be believed, happy to be granted 70% for PTSD from MST.  That was landmark to me.  So I don't know. I'll play it by ear. I am only visualizing this being a good outcome.

I am Praying for my Christmas Miracle. Not just for me.. but also now.. for my dearest of all sisters, Ani.  I can help her, her daughter and ailing mom have a much better Christmas the sooner I get the money.  And. I can help her on a monthly level just a bit too. The heck with other charities. I wouldn't even be here if it weren't for Ani.  I stepped out on this path for her.. and God has blessed me more then I can say.  Her journey has not gone nearly so well.  Because she came forward after being raped by her patrol partner and was thrown out dishonorably on trumped up charges.  She is working to have her discharge changed and it was denied the first time. She sent me a txt last night though that the VA service person she is working with has uncovered some 'irregularities' in her file as to her dishonorable discharge when it should have been honorable.  <crossing fingers and toes!!!>   But.. I want to be able to help her just a bit.

Anyways... <sighs> I am learning that as much as I might think I like someone.. my body reacts to some folks in ways that I just can't control. And that spooks the hell out of me.  To start crying and having a panic attack right in the middle of a room of folks.  Granted we got there early and I was in a far corner where I am protected by friends.  Its when a friend brings a friend.  There  was another pair of friend who met up with a friend of theirs, and the 3 of them came and sat with us for a while. Their friend didn't trigger me like C did... but.. I didn't' like her energy or attitude one little bit.  I've seen her at get together before, didn't care for her then either. But this was the closest she had been to me.  How do you ask friends to not bring certain folks with them to your table because they trigger you.  Can I get over it maybe?  I dunno. Seems overwhelming right now.

kk.. think that's enough for now.. Gonna go build something in Inworldz.

Over and out,

Thursday, November 14, 2013

Got a Date..

For my Compensation&Pension evaluation. 1200pm Dec 4, 2013.   For a point of reference, I filed for this back in August of 2012.   Its take a long while to get here.   
Now...I am .. nervous.  This is for the 100% unemployability.  I keep going back to that last day of work, when my disabled client kept poking at me, barking and roaring. In a theater, till I had to remove, him, in the car doing some shopping errands, during lunch, and all the way home.  The only blessing was that he was confined to a wheel chair. But he could also had seizures, so I had to stay close.  That day, he knew on some level that he was terrifying me.  He had no idea that it was because it was just like those four years of hell in the Navy, when the different asshates that harassed, beat and raped me.. like to do the same sort of thing to me.  Keeping me jumpy and scared. I've been having that nightmare where the client gets out of the wheelchair and attacks me like the guys in the Navy did.  So then I get up and eat chocolate in the living room and drink milk and try to get myself back from that terror.

I did get my letter back from my last employer that the VA said they didn't get, that went out in the mail on Tue along with a copy of a letter from my first Vet Center doc, because even though they have it for my PTSD claim, they want it all yet again.  They wanted the dates and address of the Vet Center I went to. Sooooo.. I included the great letter that Dr. L wrote me with the address there circled and stapled it to the require form with the letter from my last employer.  I will.. be so .. relieve when all this is over.  It has felt like life is on hold until this is done.  The first week in Dec is when I had planned to go to CA to see family and friend, but that did not work out, and since that's now the date of the C&P .  I am.. so emotional and feeling like I am on the edge of something.  Beth... is the first name of the Evaluator I'll have to talk to.  This appointment is not at the VA, but at some place run by Lockheed Martin?  And there was a note in with the appointment letter saying that 'This is not the doctor treating you so realize that they will treat you differently.'  WTF?   I know this isn't my doctor of treatment.. but just that note.. feels so threatening.. that it got me spinning in circles.  Deeep Breath.. Deeep... breath...

So.. now as far as I know.. the VA has everything they want.. today on Ebenifits, Under "Things we need from others' it has the C&P company listed. That wasn't there yesterday.  So.. now.. we wait I guess... till the 4th... I feel sick to my stomach just thinking about the appointment and how its gong to go.  

Please think of me that day, and wish me the best.. and that I get a Christmas Miracle of my 100% unemployability.. and then.. they can finally fix the teeth broken by those asshats all those years ago, and I can also relax a bit.. and have a decent income to live off of. Not justice excactly, but.. recognition and compensation. yes.. compensation.

Time for another cookie....

Over and out.

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Prisoner of War


During a recent conversation on FB with some other MST veterans, I wrote this and it seemed very appropriate to post it here.  The discussion was about us being in a 'war' and how we were treated by the 'enemy'. 

As we WERE harmed by the ' hands of the enemy'.. it made me realize that I was a POW of sorts for most of those four years. I never realized it till right now, but that is how it felt. I was trapped. There was nothing I could do unless I wanted to be thrown out in disgrace and lose all my benefits.I had to walk a careful tightrope. Take the beatings and the rapes on an almost daily basis and pretend life was grand. Had to be friendly to my attackers to keep them playing a sick version of being 'nice'. The saying from all those years ago is still very true. "POW's NEVER have a nice day." Those of us that were and are still being harshly abused by the military 'justice' system and the VA to some degree are STILL POW's today. Because our war hasn't ended - yet. The battle rages on. Everyday I wait for the VA to decide on my claim, and my jaws and teeth ache with no dental care from the VA, I can't help but be triggered by the memory of the beatings much of the time. I'm still waiting to be freed from my 'prison of war camp'.

The more I thought about it, the more apropos the comparison is to me. And what the differences were.  I did not have anyone else I could talk to.  No POW buddy to vent with, or even hope with.  I had no hope of rescue. I had no hope of escape.  I had to cooperate with the enemy to survive.  I never knew when the next attack was going to be until I got my job assigned by the perps. Then I knew, they would be coming for me based on where they sent me to work so they could get to me. I knew there were others... but instead of as in a POW camp, where you have some sympathy and comrades that were on your side, we victims ignored each other, trapped in our own versions of hell and there was nothing to do but go along with the perpetrators.  Not even just 'get along', but to cooperate to avoid more physical and emotional damage.  I saw what happened to others who fought it or tried to get 'justice'.  It was worse then the attacks to a large degree.  At least I was in my own private hell, not a public humiliation like what those who tried to get justice went through. They were vilified and harrassed terribly and I just didn't have the wherewithal to go through with it. I knew the mean fucks that were attacking me would carry through their threats to destroy me if I tried.  As I said, I saw others try, and what happened.  I thought.. once I was out, it would all be behind me and I would get over it.  Humph.  Little did I know.

The only good aspect, was knowing I could get out after four years.  What I didn't realize, what that those four years would destroy much of the rest of my life in one way or another.  I picked all the wrong people to have relationships with. I drank and drugged to kill the pain.  I got mean and bitter for a long time, and didn't even realize why.  I anguished that I could not have children and raged inside that I was forbidden to tell anyone because of 'national security'.  On Dec 5, 2011, it all came home to roost and my life and career blew up.  Turns out one can only keep secrets for so long, and the longer you keep them secret, the worst it is when it all comes to the surface.  

Now all this is coming out more and more, and yet, the military still says 'they can handle it'.  Noooo.. they can't. They haven't in the 35 years since my attacks, and the numbers keep going up.  Time to take the power AWAY from the asshats and give it to someone who has both legal training and is neutral about the case. When your career may depend on you sweeping your buddies 'indiscretions' under the proverbial rug, then you've got no place in deciding the outcome.

 Over and out,