Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Veterans Day 2014

I had a great time in Europe, and things have been pretty busy since I got back, with K and I looking at land to buy and homes to put on it.  This past Sat, he put a offer on a lot, and after some negotiating, we reached a price. Now to see if the appraisal matches it or not.

I had a great lunch with 3 veteran friends, two of them single that I hope might hit it off.

A big part of my therapy is taking control of things in my life, and working to change those things I feel are worthy of effort. The two things I chose to work on, and is supported by my docs at the Vet Center and the VA, and civilian, are MST awareness and advocacy, and getting medical cannabis legalized here in Texas, so we don't have to be criminals to use the medication that works best for us with the least side effects.  So Norml and Texas Norml, and other veteran and cannabis advocates have been calling for us veterans to contact our local elected reps today and tell them we want their support for this.   There are some great 'canned' letters I say, but once I started writing.. this is what came out, it's brutal, but factual.

Honorable ___________,
I am a proud Texas Veteran, 100% disabled with PTSD from four years of military sexual trauma. I suffered rapes and beatings during those four years, being threatened with being thrown out in disgrace if I spoke up. I buried it when I got out, thinking it would go away. It didn't, instead, it ruined much of my life until my mental breakdown in Dec of 2011. Since then, I've had to face some ugly truths. If one thinks that cannabis is a terrible thing, then it takes courage to look at it with an open heart, and I am asking you to do that please, for my sake, and the sake of so many other veterans. If not for medical cannabis recommenced to me in Calif by my WW2 veteran Uncle, I would not be here. I was well on my way to drinking myself to death over the secrets I was commanded not to talk about. I never even told my mom the truth that I was beaten so bad I couldn't have kids. Every day was torture, until I smoked some cannabis with my Uncle. Then, things began to lighten up, even before it all came out. Drinking would have killed me like it did my older brother who died from alcohol poisoning, which is why my Uncle intervened, he could see how close behind my brother I was. I will be coming to Austin next year, and hopefully as my elected Representative, you can tell me face to face why you might disagree with medical cannabis.
22 veterans a day kill themselves. This short clip is about them. It's Veterans Day, and I ask you to watch it.


I've tried all the different psychiatric meds the VA prescribes. Senator_____, some of them have terrible, terrible side effects, they made me want to die... really. But medical cannabis helps in ways I can't even describe. My granma, who used it for her arthritis and depression encouraged me to use it as well. There are sooo many folks this can help, but please, for those of us that put our lives on the line, and those of us that lost much of our sanity, this IS a vital medicine.
I pray you have the open heart to listen and help us.
Thank you for your service to this great state of Texas!


If you came here from this link... welcome in a sick kinda way.  But you will find here some ugly honesty. Please keep an open mind and heart, and help change what can be.

I want to also say, that many of the docs I've talked to here in TX would like to be able to recommend medical cannabis for me.  Some have gone as far as to read some of the Israli studies about the benifits of cannabis on PTSD.   They have told me that they really hope I  and others succeed.  So not only do I do this for myself, and the brethren, but also the doctors who are frustrated that their hands are tied as well.
So where every you are, please, please think about advocating for the VA to allow veterans access to medical cannabis, wherever we might live.  For many of us, it's all between us and 'suicidal idiation'

Over and out,

Thursday, June 19, 2014

First Public Steps

Greetings Readers,

So, last night was the event that I mentioned in the previous blog. I dug out my Invisible War dog tag, and my MST teal ribbon from the Vet Center's showing of the Invisible War. Girded for battle so to speak.  My dear friends and 'service' people J and D accompanied me.  J drove, which I greatly appreciate as I knew the evening would be emotional for me and I had had a cookie before we left.  

I was fine until walking into the venue, and then a sudden anxiety attack took hold. The reason I used the medication I do, and the reasons I even need it came up and were almost overwelming.  I used the restroom and then came out into the hallway trying to calm myself.  As I looked at faces I mostly didn't know who had come to this place to be part of a panel, I came across this one of Nelson Mandela.  My heart skipped a beat when I realized I stood in a place this Great Peacemaker had stood.  I closed my eyes and asked his spirit to be with me, and help calm me. At the same time, I had sent a txt message to K, telling him I was having a bit of a anxiety attack and he was sending me Reiki.   I managed to get my breath and calm down enough to sit.

And then we sat down and the panel arrived and seated themselves.

It was very emotional for me, and I found myself weeping though much of the discussion.

The participants were, from left to right- 
Brian D. Sweany, a senior executive editor at Texas Monthly.  Next to him is William Martin, Director of the Drug Policy Program at Rice University's Baker Institute, and the kind man who interviewed me and wrote the piece.  On his right is Texas State Senator Joan Huffman, R-Houston District 17, On her right is Dr. Neeraj Shah, Physician at a medical center in Hays County.  He worked for the VA for a long while and got a lot of experience with veterans with PTSD. On his left is Maj.(Ret) David Bass, Director of Veterans Outreach, Texas Normal and the person who asked if I would be willing to do the interview with Dr. Martin as he felt that PTSD from MST needed to be included.  I was and am very very grateful to him for his kindness and friendship.  It means a lot.

It was an excellent and informative panel.  Unfortunately, the turnout was pretty small. Maybe 30 people.  The most vocal were behind us, Republicans against Marijuana Prohibition.  While I have been a non-partisan voter since 1986, I am all in favor of changing the laws and it was encouraging to see their passion for their stance.  

One of the hardest parts was then Dr. Shah did a short slide show presentation of PTSD and its effects and I know I wept harder and squeezed D's hand tightly, feeling all of those symptoms rising over my head and choking me.  But... I had had my little cookie before I went (and K suggested I have another to keep me calmer, but I passed on that) so I was feeling at least present.  Which when you tend to dis-associate during stressful times is a good thing.  Early on in the panel, Dr. Martin's eyes found me, and he could see my distress, and his sympathetic smile meant a lot to me.  Major Dave's testimony was also very powerful, and I agreed so much with him in that we just want the medicine that helps us live.  It IS an exit drug from alcohol, opiates for pain and psychological drugs that are more dangerous then helpful.  We don't want to be be criminals, we want to be able to have access to the best cannabis strains for our conditions. We want to do what must be done to accomplish it.  The Senator seemed to be pretty much against the idea of most medical cannabis.  She used my home state of California as an example of the system gone wrong.  But in CA, it is a county by county and city by city issue.  So in some areas, there are zero dispensaries.  In others, they are like Starbucks, or bars.  Even wrong, its better then dealers on the street and the cartels running it all.  She said several times that she didn't see medical cannabis happening anytime soon in Texas.  Which makes me just want to fire her ass.  But.. on the other hand... perhaps I can reach her.  She did allow as that she did think that veterans should be able to have access to medicine that really helps them, and that if legislation was drafted that was very narrowly defined just for veterans with PTSD, then perhaps she might even consider supporting that.  She said there was not enough research, but both Dr. Martin and Dr. Shah were able to dispute that listing many research reports from different places in the US and the world. They both spoke about Israel in particular and how it was already using cannabis to treat their soldiers with  cannabis.

The question and answer part came up at the end, and I really, really wanted to stand and say something... but instead, I sat clutching my Invisible War dog tag that I had worn.  I decided then, that I would simply talk to the people on the panel I wanted to thank, and introduce myself too.   One of the most poignant moments came when an elderly lady stood up and asked the panel if they knew WHY cannabis was made illegal.  She really did cry as she spoke about Harry Anslinger and his corrupt and racist testimony in 90 min session after which it was made illegal, most of the Senators having no idea what they were voting on other then 'some evil drug'. The AMA had a witness there to plead with them not to take cannabis from their medical tool kit.  
The Senator was peppered with questions about her stance, and I respected her as she kept her cool, even as I vehemently disagreed with her stance.  She did seem well acquainted with the folks behind us from where the questioner had come from.  There was also a question from a dispensary operator from New Mexico who rebutted the Senators statement that Texas wouldn't want to be growing and selling cannabis, and that Texas didn't want it like California. The dispensary owner countered with "Texas always leads the way, I find it interesting that in this case, Texas is willing to be New Mexico's little sister in this. I'd think Texas would want to lead the way, bigger and better."  I think the Senator was beside herself with this but held her tongue, but not her face.  She should not play poker. It was obvious she was quite against it.  I found this article about her online.  Things that make you go ohhhhnooooMr.Bill...........

After the panel ended, I was able to meet, hug and thank Dr. Martin.  I also thanked Mr. Sweany for doing the article and he thanked me for my bravery in doing the article myself.  He also apologized for not being able to include all of my story in the article, and I did understand that.  He did say that they were still discussing a article on MST in the future. I'll send him a thank you card and suggest they do that.

The hardest part, was stopping the Senator.. she wanted to hurry off.  She'd taken quite a bit of flack in the Q&A parts of folks upset at her anti-cannabis stand.  I asked if she had read the magazine article, and she allowed as she had, and I said "I am Myst."  She stopped then, took my hand in hers, looked sincere and thanked me for my service and said how sorry she was for what I had gone though.  I cried as I told her that the VA had sent me here for treatment for my sexual assault, and yet, my VA and Vet Center docs had been concerned about my not having safe, legal access to cannabis as they both felt it was the best medication for my PTSD.  I begged her to keep an open mind about it, and she seemed to think she might.  Whew... that was.. so huge for me.  I actually did it though.. I talked to my first anti-cannabis politician face to face and held it enough together to get my message across.  

Next, with dear D and J standing a few comforting feet behind me I finally got to meet Dave.  I simply said "I'm Myst' and he opened his arms and hugged me tight.  I wept more.  He said how wonderful it was to meet me, and how many folks had written and told him how powerful my part of the story was.  He thanked me for coming.  I pointed to D behind me and told Dave that she had already agreed to go to Austin with me next year.  Dave made it all real for me by saying that we would be testifying in front of Senator Huffman next year.  Well.. so I have met her already and she knows who I am.  Dave spoke again about our testimony next year at the state capitol, and I felt shivers as I realized that this is all real, and next year, I will be stepping forward and putting a name to my face and meeting the people that change the laws.  I will need to find a place to stay in Austin that has a good deal and that I am comfortable with.  I plan to be there a lot next year.  

But first... this year is also the fulfilling of goals, in particular my travels to Europe for 10 whole weeks!  From Amsterdam, to Germany, to Scotland  to England, back to Germany, to Spain, and then to Austria to visit my beloved Hillu before returning to Amsterdam for our flights home. My dear friend C is going with me, and my dear friends from Germany are meeting us in  Amsterdam and driving us up to Scotland and back.  It will be quite the adventure I am sure!  

So.. this event was a biggie, and now, its past and I firmly face the future, knowing that next year will be fascinating in quite a different way.

Oh... and... just to throw something fun into the mix... two weeks ago my beloved K formally asked me to marry him... and I accepted.  Weeee!  I don't expect the wedding for at least a year or more, so it won't be for a bit still, but there it is.  

Happy trails,

Over and Out,

Edited and added... the ring!

Friday, May 23, 2014

War Without End

Greetings Readers and Friends,

So, the article I wrote about previously has come out, in Texas Monthly,and the author has done a bang up job of it!  George Strait is on the cover, and I expect he'll get a copy of it, which means he may well read it too.  I've had some feedback already from folks who thought it was quite excellent.  I'm happy.. that my horrid experience's may somehow be used to promote something good.  Then I suppose.. all of what happened will NOT have been in vain... not ever having babies.. and never being honest with my mom about it.. and... and.... and.....

Anyways.. without further adieu, here is a link to it: War Without End, click on the PDF and you get just the article.

It's been a bit triggering, but darn if Bill didn't do an awesome job.  Taught me a lot I didn't know (Like there are some 1.5 million veterans here in Texas) along with several big bases, it makes it a Texas issue.  I will be going to the event Bill invited me to in mid June, and two dear friends are going with me.  I think some other local friends will be a well. 

Some of the things our Texas politician's have said about cannabis I'm sure comes just from their lack of actual knowledge of it, or how much it can help folks.  As a 3rd generation medicinal user, I have seen it help all those in my family that allowed it too.  I'll never, ever be able to thank my Uncle J for helping me sooo soo much in teaching me to use cannabis instead of alcohol. And after my mother died, the last of my immediate biological family, all dead from AL-FRIGGIN-CO-HAUL(you off to death) while we 'water brothers' are still alive and most doing very well.   

This is.. very scary for me. To talk about my military sexual trauma like I have to do.. is one long kept secret, but my cannabis use, is quite another.  The sheer amount of help it gives me to cope with my over active emotions, from up to down, it keeps me steadier and happier.  Some one in the article mentioned the feeling of 'well being'... and that.. is about the crux of it.  When you have been tortured for years by the actuals, and then, forced to repress yet relive it for more years.. well, any sense of 'well being' is hard to come by, and cannabis is one of those things that can do it.

Thanks to all that comes here. I am still... having a hard time.  Sometimes, I cry over the dangest things.  Or I rage at the injustice that continues on a daily friggin basis on so many levels..  Like the kid recently busted with pot brownies, and they are charging him for the whole weight of the brownies. Heck, even if they were hash brownies... goodness, they are talking about life in prison for a 17 year old. When is this insanity going to end???  And a colonel's conviction of sexual assault and sodomy plus other charges was overturned because of the directive that came out telling prosecutors to go harder on sexual assault predators. And so for fucks sake, they let him off because of the negative publicity about it???? REALLY?????   Okay.. deep breath. .deep breath. think peaceful thoughts.... 

Meanwhile in Colorado... where cannabis has been legal for almost 6 months... robberies and violent crime is.. DOWN by a significant amount.. Hmmmm... well then.

<sigh>  I just know the good people of Texas will come around.. they love us veterans as much as we love our state.

Over and out,

Tuesday, May 13, 2014


I came across this just now, and felt it needed to be added here.  I like to bring good news whenever I can, and this seems good.

From the Protect Our Defenders blog.
"While we didn’t get all the votes we need, we are making serious progress. And everyone is talking about Congressman William Enyart, a former military prosecutor, staff judge advocate, and commanding General, who after deep personal deliberation and soul searching had a change of heart and voted in favor of the amendment.
Watch Rep. Enyart’s impassioned and heartfelt speech here."
Congressman William Enyart's Change of Heart

This happened on May 8, 2014, just a few days ago. It shows that through education, we can promote change.  It moved my heart greatly to hear someone who has served in all capacities in the military in the military justice system come out and say yes, the prosecution needs to be taken out of the hands of Command! 

Published on May 8, 2014
Learn more at http://protectourdefenders.com

Date: 5/7/14. Transcript:
Thank you Mr. Chairman. I've listened to this debate with a great deal of interest, and very conflicting thoughts on it. I'm probably unique in this room in that I've served as a military attorney. I've been a prosecutor. I've been a defense attorney. I've been the staff judge advocate, and I've been a commanding general. So I've served in each and every one of those roles. Many years ago, defense attorneys were taken out of the chain of command, because of the concern of the appearance of impropriety. The concern over the possibility of command influence. And after debating the issue in my own mind, I've come to the conclusion that we need to do the same thing with the prosecution. And I don't state this lightly, because as a former commanding general I value very highly the ability to have control over the UCMJ. But I think that we need to set the office of the prosecutor free from the possibility of command influence. Commanding generals writes the OER, writes the Officer Efficiency Report, controls the promotion of the staff judge advocate. And so even if you have the most honest above board commanding general in the world, the staff judge advocate may well feel as though he or she is being influenced by that commanding general. So it is with reluctance, I have to say, because I understand all the roles that everyone of those people plays in that, and I believe that the news stories that we've seen about generals gone wrong are the aberration. The vast majority of military attorneys, military commanders and military personnel are of the finest caliber. But unfortunately we've had incidents of people who have no right to serve in the position they served in. So I'm going to vote for Representative Speier's amendment. Because I've been convinced after listening to the debate, and particularly Representative Gabbard's remarks, that we need to take military prosecutors out of the chain of command.


So we are making progress, we have to just keep educating and ringing the bell so that our service personnel will finally get a REAL Justice System.  

Over and out,

Monday, May 12, 2014

An Article Will Be Coming Out

Greetings friends and readers,

So, on or about May 20th, the newest Texas Monthly magazine will be coming out.  I'll be posting it here after it does.  It will be stories of 4 different Texas veterans with PTSD who prefer to use cannabis as their medication.  This IS a NATIONAL issue for sure now.  Being interviewed for this article has been both triggering and yet rewarding.  I feel like I am speaking not just for myself, but also for other vets I know who would prefer to be able to use it too!  This blog address will be included someplace, and so if you came here from that link - Welcome!

The kind, kind professor writing the article is a husband, father and son.  He is appalled at the existence of MST and how bad it is.  He sent me a very nice email, explaining how hard he had fought to get more of my story included, but that it was over ridden by the editors for differing reasons.  Thank goodness I had MST group today to talk to my therapist and other Ladies in the group about it.  The story of my rape by the Iranian and my supervisor on my first base is included.... but the rapes on my second base, also by my supervisor, in fact there it was TWO FUCKING SICKOS...who took turns keeping me degraded and terrified.  But.. in the opinions of the editors (not the dear writer who fought to keep it in) it was just TOO much and might make my story seem unbelievable to some. Welll..its NOT unbelievable to the VA who gave me my disability based on the TRUTHS OF IT.    Mad??? No.. frustrated and furious is more like it.  Sigh... do I understand their point, yes, I do. And as I wrote back to the author last nite, and I did mean it... as Jack Nicholson shouted "You can't handle the truth!".  In this case, they don't WANT to.  Now.. I am very grateful that any of the story of MST is getting out, hand in hand with the wondrous benefits of cannabis to help PTSD and so many other things. 

 (And off topic for a moment - WTF Colorado???? Refusing to include PTSD for the fourth time for medical cannabis there???  How can the thousands upon thousands of soldiers and sailors from at least WW2 that I am aware of be wrong in all their repeatable experiences of the first hand benefits of cannabis to help with PTSD??? Sigh.. really???)   

So while I do understand the editors point of view...but for me, and my brethren- its triggering..and its insulting and infuriating.  When I read what the editors said to my MST group, there was a feeling of collective shock. Even our therapist was on the verge of tears.  We sat there...and then.. vented.  And was angry that our reality is so ugly... it can't be honestly reported for fear of upsetting folks.  Now, for me... as I have to repeat to myself... I understand.  This is a medical cannabis story, not a MST story. I am only one of four stories, and my story is no more important their theirs, other then mine reveal a secret that most folks are still unaware of.

 But .. to me.. cutting the 2nd part of my story out, diminishes the importance of how MUCH medical cannabis can help me.  Because my trauma is soooo sooo much more then just the incidents on the 'one base'.  I was at the 2nd base as long.. and the abuse actually went on longer because both of my predators were still there doing it to other ladies when I left.  And I was there a full two years.  Two years... of ... even worse horrors.  As bad as C was on the first base, he wasn't cruel and vicious like L was on my second.  C got off on getting a blow job mostly.  L was big on torture, pain and vicious humiliation.  And when P joined L on the base after I'd been there a few months, then it was DOUBLE the daily terrors.  But... that was all too much for the editors.  <sigh>   The prescriptions from the VA turn me into a zombie...and I have such a hard time functioning, and I resent how awful they can make me feel compared to the safer cannabis.  I never worried about the side effects of cannabis after knowing my grandmother and uncle had used it for so long and were so together in all ways.  <another sigh> 

Dear God.. please.. please let the politicians in my fine state of TX come to their senses and let compassion for their veterans over ride their unscientific fears.  Its not that things will change, many veterans are still using cannabis anyway.. but they fought for all freedoms, and they, we, deserve this best medicine You made this herb for all! Please, let them be free to come out of the shadows, let them get good, safe, clean -LEGAL medicine and find a healing from their nation and its grateful people - and its politicians!  Amen

Well... that's it for right now. 
 I bid everyone well.

Over and out,

Sunday, January 26, 2014

New Year Goals and Plans

Written Jan 1, 2014

2014 Is starting out watching the Lord of the Rings Trilogy with K, seems appropriate for 2014. A looong story of how the smallest and simplest was able to save the world with the help of a few loyal friends and protectors who believed in Good overcoming evil. -nods- That small group overcame insurmountable odds and grew in size. It gives me hope that change for the better can be wrought if we work at it together. Let us all as a community work togther to foster what is best for all. To be as loving and kind as we can be, to be of service to others and to give benifit of the doubt, and Grace. That is my over arching goal.

The last doc that the VA sent me to at the beginning of Dec for my last eval told me that I needed set goals, and to find a couple of causes to get behind next (now this) year and work actively towards changing something helps me move from survivor to advocate. The things I care about most that I can do something to help change. She asked me what those things would be and I told her. She strongly encouraged me to be as proactive as possible. So, I am following doctors orders, being a good little sailor and here are my goals for 2014.

This is not actualy a goal, but a way of being. To keep K as happy and healthy as possible. To be there for him, as he is for me. To keep him feeling valued and adored as my Precious. Yes.. he is My Precious.. and I can get golum like in my obsession to be sure that he is at the best he can be, and that I do the best I can for him as he does for me. I adore him with all my heart!!!

The first actual 'goal' that I told the doc I was going to do is to be actively working with other veterans to promote the passage of the Military Justice Improvement Act. I am a survivor of military sexual trauma. I never reported because I knew that the perps were best buddies with both the Chiefs and the Commanders who decided if cases went forward or not. I also saw Commanders overturn a guilty verdict because they were buddies with the guy and felt that the training of e-5 of e-6 was worth more then a measly e-1 or e-2. This Act will take that out of the chain of Command. The military is fighting this tooth and nail. They say they will change it. Well, my attacks happened 76-80 and NOTHING HAS CHANGED. If it were your son, (1 out of 5 males will be sexually attacked in the service) or daughter (1 out of 3) sibling, grandchild, mate, or friend, what sort of justice would you want for THEM? Would YOU want to leave it at the odds of how good of buddys the perp may be with the Commander. Or that Commanders mind set? Or would you want someone impartial (geee, in the civilian world a judge with some connection to someone involved in the the case in't allowed to be on a case, they must recuse themselves) to look at the evidence and make that decision??? A vote comes up in Jan for this. I ask every one of you out there to think of a veteran or service person that you love.. and call your Senator or Representative and tell them you want them to stand behind and pass the Military Justice Improvement Act.

Here is a link to more info about it:

This vote comes up THIS MONTH
Click on this to find your representive if you are here in TX:

The next 'goal' is a bit more controversial, but interestingly enough, the Doc was very much in favor of my doing as much as I could to promote my next cause. Which will be much harder here in TX. And that is to work on changing the laws regarding medical and recreational cannabis here in TX. I have joined the Texas Normal group and plan to do my best as a veteran who has had 6 out of 7 doctors (including VA docs both here and in CA) tell me that cannabis is the best medicine for my PTSD. It was a Marine veteran with PTSD, who stepped up to a counter in Denver at 8am this morning to be the first person in our nation to buy cannabis legally in 70 years. I pray that by 2016, I'll be able to do the same thing here. This doc told me that she had read studies on how much cannabis can help with PTSD, and 'off the record' she encouraged me to pursue its legalization for medicinal purposes.

Here is a link to Texas Norml.

For both subjects folks need to step up and do something. Here is the web page again where you can find out who your reps are and get the contact info here in TX.

The other thing I'll be doing per docs orders is some travelling. Which I will be doing with a very dear friend. <grins> We have travelled from CA to Maryland together by car and all up and down the CA coast. I'll be flying out to CA right after Valentine's Day, and then she'll drive me back to TX. That will be my first trip this year.

(Edited- I wrote this before I had my decision and before I knew I was coming on this spontaneous trip to France, so CA will be my 2nd trip of the year.)

The next will be our trip to Europe. We are going to be going to the Munro Clan gathering at Castle Foulis, which has been in my family for over 800 years. Over 300 Munros are expected to come. It will last for 3 days. Hikes, pipers, history, Highland Games, Scotch tasting and a formal Scottish dinner and dance on Sun night! My Da used to talk about Foulis.. and the family there. I look forward to meeting Hector, Chief of Clan Munro. I also firmed up on Mon that our trip will start in Amsterdam (per recommendation from my German friends who live 3 hrs from there), where my friends from Germany will meet up with my friend and I and we'll head to Germany for a couple days before catching a train up to Scotland. Then we'll come back down through London, meet up with my German friends again and then we'll spend a few weeks seeing London, Cornwall and Germany with them. We may then be in Spain for a couple of weeks, and then Italy. I want to see a fjord while I am in Europe, and my friends have promised to take me to see one. I have always wanted to see Europe and I look forward to it bunches. It looks to be about 8 weeks of travelling, and I'll miss K something terribly! But its something he strongly supports as Cindy and I have been planning this trip for two years now, ever since I saw that the Munro's were having this clan gathering this year, and she got her retirement from the state of CA.

Oh.. and as an avid reader, I am thrilled that the Outlander series by Diana Gabaldon is coming to Starz in 2014. Love the cast they have so far. Keep an eye out for it if you have Starz, it's a great story.. better then Game of Thrones to me. Set in Scotland, and I am going to see if we can go where they are shooting if they are when we are there.

This year has started out amazingly...I post this from France, where I am visiting a long lost childhood friend.

I have more to write on the subject of cannabis, most of which I will finally begin to relate soon as it HAS been by FAR the best medicine for my PTSD.   It is a horrid shame that I cannot have it here as I did in CA as PRESCRIBED by my doctors.  They had more concerns about my using the prescribed meds for depression and anxiety which all the honest ones said had many negative side effects that cannabis did not.

God is good and I am exceedingly grateful for all the blessings that have come my way.  Things are already happening and I am excited.  I will be putting myself out there to some degree, and I pray it will help others, just as I have hoped this blog will help others.

Over and out,

Monday, January 13, 2014

"Here, at the end of all things"

Well.. dearest friends and readers.  It. Is. Done.  I got the unemployability, with the magic sentence that it is permanent and no further appointments are required.  Andddd.. amazingly enough.. they back dated the pay to when I got my 70% a year ago July!  The relief from this.. there are not words to describe.  It has been like silence after years of screaming.  Peace when there has been struggle.  No more uncertainty! I have worked since I was about 14.  But now... I am officially 'retired'. I have not been able to work the past two years since my breakdown but I worried about it.  Was it just me who felt like it was too much?  In the end, no.. it wasn't.. It was reality of things that have happened in the past, catching up in the present, but firming up a financial stability I have never known.  My friends all know I have always struggled to work, being successful with people and helping, but not so much with money.  For a few years, I did really really well, but I was mostly supporting others besides myself.  Now, my beloved partner fully supports me and my goals.  I have not had to 'worry' about a home, well, unless something happens to him.  But, now, I have that assured by being able to handle it financially.   I am glad he knew me when I was doing well enough to take him on a vacation to the redwoods one time.  I am incredibly grateful for the love, care and pampering he has given me for all the years I have known him. 

 Justice, not really.. but it is a form of reparation. Following in other's footsteps, I made goals that I am now being able fulfill. A newer car, and mostly travel!  I WILL get to travel freely in Europe with my friends, and that is my main therapy for the year!  And my partner is very supportive of it, even though I will miss him terribly. I hope to be able to fly him over for a few days while I am there. Huh. Fancy that.  

I am sorry that I am rambling.. I am still in a bit of shock.  We had a double birthday party that had been scheduled for a couple of months that was happening at the exact same time.  I am in the midst of planning 3 trips, two to Europe  (one NEXT WEEK!!! To Paris to see a childhood friend) and one to CA next month. And then, what is looking like 10 weeks in Europe this summer.

This HAS all felt incredibly surreal to some degree.  From the finding out (and I still haven't gotten their official letter yet) the case was closed (a week ago today in fact) and I know you can't call.  I didn't want to wait if I could figure out how to find out. So I checked the 'download benefits letters' section and OH MY GOSH.... THERE IT WAS!  That I was now given 100% status for being permanently unemployable.  I printed out those letters before they could vanish from the ether.  Oh, and K was travelling at the time so I was home alone. 0.0  The excitement.. and more.. the relief was.. humbling.  And so I did thank the God who loves me beyond all things and who I am so grateful to.  A new mindset.  So.. yes.. I got a new computer, the one I was using was 8 years old.  I got a mostly new car, the one I was driving was a 98.  The timing was such that I was able to put my Corolla's key on a new key chain, in a little box and give it to my sister friend here as a gift.  Her car was squished by a tree in hurricane Ike.  If I had wanted to plan the timing this way, I could not have.  How amazing is the Unknowable Essence of Love that although I had wanted the $$ for Christmas, this timing, of coming so I could gift this amazing family with my old car, which is still very reliable is 1000's of times better then my plan.  

Soo.  I will still be here though.  I am still watching the boards and commenting every where I can on behalf of veterans rights and MST awareness for both men and women.  I tell everyone I can about it...I owe it to the the others who can't speak out.

But I do want everyone that reads this that might know someone who needs help from the VA, to get it.  I know others that came long before me are still waiting.  That gives me sorrow.  So I will keep speaking out on expediting processing of of claims for veterans too.  

I will say the ebenifits web page really was up to the moment on what was happening and I found that AWESOME!  I didn't know about it when I did my initial filing so it was all a mystery and a surprise. Hmmm.. not sure if it was better to see it processing then be clueless... ah. yeah.. knowing was better.  Although the dates were WAAAAYYYY off.  When it moved to the 2nd to last stage, the ending dates got further out then they had been before.  0.0    So, I figure the VA folks are like Scotty.  They say it won't be done until May 2014-Dec 2015... then the last update was March 2014-Aug 2014.  But ended on Jan 6.  Soo.. they throw out this long ass date, then poof, magic, its done' months and months early! Just like Scotty.. "Right Capt. will be 8 hours."  Capt: "No, I need it in 6!" Scotty " I canna do that Capt, we'll blow the engines, but I'll try"  3 hours later- Scotty: "We ready to go  Capt!" Capt: Your a miracle worker Scotty!"  Scotty with a grin and a wink "Aye Capt!"

Thanks to all who came here.. thanks especially to beloved Joan (from Enemy in the Wire) whom I did text as soon as I found out!   Whooohoooo!!!

So.. signing off for now,
over and out,