Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Prisoner of War


During a recent conversation on FB with some other MST veterans, I wrote this and it seemed very appropriate to post it here.  The discussion was about us being in a 'war' and how we were treated by the 'enemy'. 

As we WERE harmed by the ' hands of the enemy'.. it made me realize that I was a POW of sorts for most of those four years. I never realized it till right now, but that is how it felt. I was trapped. There was nothing I could do unless I wanted to be thrown out in disgrace and lose all my benefits.I had to walk a careful tightrope. Take the beatings and the rapes on an almost daily basis and pretend life was grand. Had to be friendly to my attackers to keep them playing a sick version of being 'nice'. The saying from all those years ago is still very true. "POW's NEVER have a nice day." Those of us that were and are still being harshly abused by the military 'justice' system and the VA to some degree are STILL POW's today. Because our war hasn't ended - yet. The battle rages on. Everyday I wait for the VA to decide on my claim, and my jaws and teeth ache with no dental care from the VA, I can't help but be triggered by the memory of the beatings much of the time. I'm still waiting to be freed from my 'prison of war camp'.

The more I thought about it, the more apropos the comparison is to me. And what the differences were.  I did not have anyone else I could talk to.  No POW buddy to vent with, or even hope with.  I had no hope of rescue. I had no hope of escape.  I had to cooperate with the enemy to survive.  I never knew when the next attack was going to be until I got my job assigned by the perps. Then I knew, they would be coming for me based on where they sent me to work so they could get to me. I knew there were others... but instead of as in a POW camp, where you have some sympathy and comrades that were on your side, we victims ignored each other, trapped in our own versions of hell and there was nothing to do but go along with the perpetrators.  Not even just 'get along', but to cooperate to avoid more physical and emotional damage.  I saw what happened to others who fought it or tried to get 'justice'.  It was worse then the attacks to a large degree.  At least I was in my own private hell, not a public humiliation like what those who tried to get justice went through. They were vilified and harrassed terribly and I just didn't have the wherewithal to go through with it. I knew the mean fucks that were attacking me would carry through their threats to destroy me if I tried.  As I said, I saw others try, and what happened.  I thought.. once I was out, it would all be behind me and I would get over it.  Humph.  Little did I know.

The only good aspect, was knowing I could get out after four years.  What I didn't realize, what that those four years would destroy much of the rest of my life in one way or another.  I picked all the wrong people to have relationships with. I drank and drugged to kill the pain.  I got mean and bitter for a long time, and didn't even realize why.  I anguished that I could not have children and raged inside that I was forbidden to tell anyone because of 'national security'.  On Dec 5, 2011, it all came home to roost and my life and career blew up.  Turns out one can only keep secrets for so long, and the longer you keep them secret, the worst it is when it all comes to the surface.  

Now all this is coming out more and more, and yet, the military still says 'they can handle it'.  Noooo.. they can't. They haven't in the 35 years since my attacks, and the numbers keep going up.  Time to take the power AWAY from the asshats and give it to someone who has both legal training and is neutral about the case. When your career may depend on you sweeping your buddies 'indiscretions' under the proverbial rug, then you've got no place in deciding the outcome.

 Over and out,

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