Saturday, November 23, 2013

What IS it about some folks that triggers us???

Greetings, RAMBLE WARNING...all over the place so just go with the flow.

I was at a party at an establishment last week with a couple of friends in a group of larger friends.  My twisted ankle was still hurting so I wasn't moving around much.  I was wearing my lovely black ankle brace.  Anyways, folks were circling around meeting folks and hugging friends.   And a lady friend brought a lady friend with her.   This lady is a AF veteran and worked for NASA.  She has her own issues with the VA.  The thing is... that she triggered me something TERRIBLE.  I have no clue what it was.  I found my eyes suddenly welling up ( she was talking about some of her military career.. but she had been a he during that time) and I began shaking badly. I squeezed my friend and 'service person' D who had ridden down with my other service person J, (they are both going with me to the Dec 4 evaluation and D is spending the night with me goes with me just in case I get triggered.)  But she had never seen it happen before.  Her face blanched when she looked at mine, and she said she needed to go to the restroom.  Sweet friend, giving me an easy escape.  But.. the doc say.. I HAVE TO SPEAK MY TRUTH, not cover it up like I did for 35 years.  But.. it is soo ssooo hard sometimes.  oh.. So.. I softly thanked D (no one else had noticed yet) and told her no, I was going to have to say something.  It was much like last year at the Vet Center Christmas dinner when the Viet Nam vet asked me what 'war' I had been in to qualify being at a Vet Center (since they were once for combat vets only until they added us Military Sexual Trauma folks, but lots of the vets don't know that, even though they SHOULD!  Our counselor Miss C says she always tells her male clients that there are MST folks here.  <grins> She is awesome... and so I am sure that she does.  Group is on Mon by the way, so I know I'll be able to talk about this incident with my sister warriors who show up, and that will help.  But.. for here and for whatever comments I can get to .. help.. I just don't understand what it was that triggered me.  As I examine it, the best I can say is that it is the energy.  Something about it just triggered me.  She said she had been in anger counseling.  <nods> yeah... i could tell.  Because I am a Reiki Master, have been since '98.. I am extra sensitive.  My sister friends whom I have spoken with privately have both told me that this particular individual has had some real problems in the past.  I would have liked to get to know this person, but I'm terribly afraid that she is someone that just triggers me too bad.   Oh. yes. what happened.. well... I had to share with this fellow veteran my own experiences.. and as I knew that, before I spoke, my crying got worse and a dear sister friend sitting directly to my left reached out her hand to me and said "Are you alright?" and I said "No, no.. I'm not... "   I looked up at the lady - C  across from me. and told her that I was a veteran too. a Navy veteran.. and that I had been raped and beaten all four years of my enlistment, and that I couldn't have kids after the first rape, when I was 17.  And that I had buried it all.  Well.. she was immediately very sorry as were my friends  and those sitting there.  But.. it was.. so hard to say the truth. rather then sit quiet.  I don't' know why she triggered me like she did. But neither of my two friends had ever seen me being triggered. By the way, dear K was at home that night and not with me.  C expressed great sorrow for my experiences and said she had worked for the VA as something like a caseworker I think.  Some of the evening and what she said got very fuzzy.  She offered to help me. She said I should have gotten 100% and not just 70%.  That I should appeal my 70% and press for the100% for my PTSD. I told her, I have an apt for my unemployability on Dec 4 and that could just fix it all. Else wise, I'll appeal that.  She said I should go ahead and appeal my 70% if I lose.  I don't know.  I have heard too much that trying to change your rating can cause it to be less.  We fight so hard for every point of percentage, that I was happy to be believed, happy to be granted 70% for PTSD from MST.  That was landmark to me.  So I don't know. I'll play it by ear. I am only visualizing this being a good outcome.

I am Praying for my Christmas Miracle. Not just for me.. but also now.. for my dearest of all sisters, Ani.  I can help her, her daughter and ailing mom have a much better Christmas the sooner I get the money.  And. I can help her on a monthly level just a bit too. The heck with other charities. I wouldn't even be here if it weren't for Ani.  I stepped out on this path for her.. and God has blessed me more then I can say.  Her journey has not gone nearly so well.  Because she came forward after being raped by her patrol partner and was thrown out dishonorably on trumped up charges.  She is working to have her discharge changed and it was denied the first time. She sent me a txt last night though that the VA service person she is working with has uncovered some 'irregularities' in her file as to her dishonorable discharge when it should have been honorable.  <crossing fingers and toes!!!>   But.. I want to be able to help her just a bit.

Anyways... <sighs> I am learning that as much as I might think I like someone.. my body reacts to some folks in ways that I just can't control. And that spooks the hell out of me.  To start crying and having a panic attack right in the middle of a room of folks.  Granted we got there early and I was in a far corner where I am protected by friends.  Its when a friend brings a friend.  There  was another pair of friend who met up with a friend of theirs, and the 3 of them came and sat with us for a while. Their friend didn't trigger me like C did... but.. I didn't' like her energy or attitude one little bit.  I've seen her at get together before, didn't care for her then either. But this was the closest she had been to me.  How do you ask friends to not bring certain folks with them to your table because they trigger you.  Can I get over it maybe?  I dunno. Seems overwhelming right now.

kk.. think that's enough for now.. Gonna go build something in Inworldz.

Over and out,

Thursday, November 14, 2013

Got a Date..

For my Compensation&Pension evaluation. 1200pm Dec 4, 2013.   For a point of reference, I filed for this back in August of 2012.   Its take a long while to get here.   
Now...I am .. nervous.  This is for the 100% unemployability.  I keep going back to that last day of work, when my disabled client kept poking at me, barking and roaring. In a theater, till I had to remove, him, in the car doing some shopping errands, during lunch, and all the way home.  The only blessing was that he was confined to a wheel chair. But he could also had seizures, so I had to stay close.  That day, he knew on some level that he was terrifying me.  He had no idea that it was because it was just like those four years of hell in the Navy, when the different asshates that harassed, beat and raped me.. like to do the same sort of thing to me.  Keeping me jumpy and scared. I've been having that nightmare where the client gets out of the wheelchair and attacks me like the guys in the Navy did.  So then I get up and eat chocolate in the living room and drink milk and try to get myself back from that terror.

I did get my letter back from my last employer that the VA said they didn't get, that went out in the mail on Tue along with a copy of a letter from my first Vet Center doc, because even though they have it for my PTSD claim, they want it all yet again.  They wanted the dates and address of the Vet Center I went to. Sooooo.. I included the great letter that Dr. L wrote me with the address there circled and stapled it to the require form with the letter from my last employer.  I will.. be so .. relieve when all this is over.  It has felt like life is on hold until this is done.  The first week in Dec is when I had planned to go to CA to see family and friend, but that did not work out, and since that's now the date of the C&P .  I am.. so emotional and feeling like I am on the edge of something.  Beth... is the first name of the Evaluator I'll have to talk to.  This appointment is not at the VA, but at some place run by Lockheed Martin?  And there was a note in with the appointment letter saying that 'This is not the doctor treating you so realize that they will treat you differently.'  WTF?   I know this isn't my doctor of treatment.. but just that note.. feels so threatening.. that it got me spinning in circles.  Deeep Breath.. Deeep... breath...

So.. now as far as I know.. the VA has everything they want.. today on Ebenifits, Under "Things we need from others' it has the C&P company listed. That wasn't there yesterday.  So.. now.. we wait I guess... till the 4th... I feel sick to my stomach just thinking about the appointment and how its gong to go.  

Please think of me that day, and wish me the best.. and that I get a Christmas Miracle of my 100% unemployability.. and then.. they can finally fix the teeth broken by those asshats all those years ago, and I can also relax a bit.. and have a decent income to live off of. Not justice excactly, but.. recognition and compensation. yes.. compensation.

Time for another cookie....

Over and out.