Tuesday, December 11, 2012

"Sexually Enslaved"

I heard that term for the first time in connection with MST yesterday.  It came from here:

Uniform Betrayal: Rape in the Military (Movie)


 My wonderful Vet Center counselor mentioned in group that she had come here as I hoped (thanks tons and tons Doc-C) and said that she had watched that movie.  Its from Jennifer
Norris's link Justice for MST Survivors here on my blog roll.  I hadn't seen it yet, so I watched it yesterday.  Wow!    Very powerful. Thank you bunches to Jennifer for posting it!!!

I got a lot out of it.. and even took notes. Took me much longer to watch it because I kept stopping it to back it up, hear what they said again, and then wrote down what I felt were important aspects of it.

The words in today's subject line jumped out at me.  I know that many of the MST survivors were raped repeatedly, by different men on different bases.  Same with me.  But that term 'sexual enslavement'.. stuck.  Because it really, really accurately describes how I felt on both my bases. 

Both times.. 
The first... C-the-MM2 was my boss, and put me wherever he had the best access to controlling me at any given time.  Usually it was a closing job at one of the Special Services assignments.  Like the tool room at the auto shop area.  Or running the on base theater.  I learned that was to be the 'norm' of my life on the air-station I was on.  He's put me where he could attack me anytime he wanted.  And I had best comply if I wanted it to end quickly.   So I did... that lasted for almost 2 years. I was indeed, his personal sexual slave.

On my next base, it was two Sea-bees,  BU1 L and his buddy CE2 P (both supervisors over me) that took turns torturing me.  Like a pair of vicious Velociraptor'sSometimes it was one at at time.. others.. it was both of them at once.  They were mean fucks.  Didn't matter how much I begged them to leave me alone.. they'd just laugh. They had been on other bases before, and it was obvious they had their tag team drill well oiled.  On a huge wooded base, in the grounds maintenance dept.. turns out there were years of opportunities, again, for continued abuse.  My supervisors would send me out to a isolated part of the base with a weed whacker and then come attack me where no one could see.  It was.. terrible.  L was the most violent of them. He loved to hit me in the jaw before he choked me into unconsciousness, just to wake up to him slapping me awake so I didn't miss any of the 'fun'.  And if I didn't cooperate with him, do all the things he wanted... he hurt me much much worse.  I learned to do it to get it over with as fast as I could.   They were all careful not to leave marks where they could be seen.  But the bruises on my other parts were often horrendous and I would have to be very careful that no one saw them.  That also meant it was hard for me to ever be with anyone intimately.  Which funny enough, I did crave.  Just to be held and cuddled.  To be able to share my nightmare with someone.   There were some I think I could have gone and talked to, but I didn't want someone else to blow up and damage their careers because of me.  So I just.. sucked it up until I got out.  They were both there, still at it with others when I left.  I'm so sorry.. I wish I'd had the strength to stop them. But I didn't.  I could only do my best to survive. 

So for me.. the first was a rape... when the Iranian pilot attacked, raped, sodomized me and beat me specifically so I couldn't have kids two weeks after I got to my first base was a one time rape. That it was covered up, I was told to never tell anyone and that it was a matter of national security in 76... was one thing.  But I never had a term for the long and continuous abuse heaped upon me for years by the other 3.  Sexual enslavement. Yeah.. unfortunate. but that's the term that feels most accurate in describing my experience.  


I can see and feel so much of what they took away from me. How they made me live my life, how they screwed it up and how I have been so so messed up.  How did I keep it all secret for 35 years???  How is it I can feel guilty for not stopping them, for not keeping them from doing it to others?  I knew there were others. We could never look at each other or even talk to each other.  It was just too awful to contemplate.  Too embarrassing, and certainly humiliating. 

There was never any choice about what happened to me.  I didn't get to decide and participate as some folks like to claim happens in these cases.  This was not consenting adults remotely. 

Well.. I guess it's all come home to roost now. And it does sometimes feel like all 35 years are here, right on top squishing me down.  


It's out in the open now. I have friends, an amazing Vet Center Counselor.. a great psychiatrist at the VA,  and my special K.. who keeps me grounded and supports me like no one ever has in my life.  He has given me back parts of myself that they tried to destroy. But because of him, I am also stronger then I ever was.  He has given me back a joy in intimacy that they took away for most of my life.  And he's been there since before it all blew up.. and he's supported me every step of the way. 

I am more then blessed...and I know it.

I am so much better off now then I was just a year ago.  And there are these amazing comrades in arms.. all the ladies and men in the Invisible War, Uniform Betrayal.. representatives like Jackie  Spier and others who are shining lights on the military cockroaches to watch them run for cover.  STOP THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF THEM I SAY!!!!!!

Yaaay for my blog where I can be as snarky as I wanna be, and any asshats will get thrown the F out!

Thanks again to any who come here to read.  Your comments and support are greatly desired. 

Over and out, 


Friday, December 7, 2012

The Invisible War Showing's in March and April in Houston

Found this online today.. putting it here for a reminder and to share! 

Spread Truth.  Hear It.  Speak It.  See It. 

If everyone knows then it’s not a secret.  #NotInvisible

Presented by the University of Houston and the Women’s Resource Center {Houston, TX}
Wed, March 6, 2013, 8:30am – 7:30pm
Houston, TX
Invisible War Screenings
March 6, 2013 08:30 am & 5:30 pm Presented by the University of Houston and the Women’s Resource Center Houston Room (Rm 251) University Center (Bldg. 565) 4800 Calhoun Road Houston, TX More Information: (832) 729-3413 www.uh.edu/veterans
and this one too:
Presented by the University of Houston, Clear Lake {Houston, TX}
Wed, April 17, 2013, 5pm – 7pm
Houston, TX
Invisible War Screenings
April 17, 2013 5:00 pm Presented by the Intercultural & International Student Services, University of Houston, Clear Lake University of Houston, Clear Lake 2700 Bay Area Blvd Houston, TX More Information: (281) 283-2578 www.uhcl.edu/ii

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

The Invisible War and Triggers

Last night, K and I went to my local Vet Center's Christmas dinner.  I knew that several other ladies from my MST group would be there and sure enough, two of them were there when we got there.  We got our chow first and then sat down with them.  There was a nice lady sitting directly across from us who turned out the be the wife of one of the male counselors at the Center.  After a bit, an older vet sitting next to her and asked me what branch I was in.  Navy. Then he asked if I was in Desert Storm, I said no, I was in '76-80.. then he asked if I was a Viet Nam vet. (See, only combat veterans and now, MST veterans go to the Vet Centers for therapy, not majority of veterans.) So he persisted in asking what war I was in. I finally said "The Invisible War".  After a moment he said "That doesn't exist".  WRONG!  I was there, I was in it. I can't have kids because of it, I was beaten and raped for four years, by my BOSS'S!!!  But I didn't say any of that out loud.. and today, I am kicking myself for it to some degree.

 I immediately stiffened up and K put his arm around me, giving me Reiki and comfort as I struggled to to not A) call him a bad name B) break out sobbing.   I had to give myself Reiki and take some really deep breaths.  I struggled and struggled.

I'll let it go that he just doesn't know about it.. But .. if he goes to a Vet Center.. and we ladies are going there because of it.. then I think they SHOULD know.. it was very upsetting to be challenged until I came up with the 'war' that 'qualified' me to get help at the Vet Center.  And then, to have him say it didn't' exist

Thank goodness for K... as he knew as soon as the exchange started that it was gonna be rough. I had been doing mostly okay till there. There was more then a little of that macho veteran vibe going on in the room.  But up till then, I'd been able to breath through it. After the exchange, I sat and shook for a bit.  The man left at some point, but the damage was done. I watched the clock until it was time to go. 

What did help, was that some of the girls from the group were giving me the thumbs up on K, saying how cute he is and how sweet. Yup.. that's him, my RL Hero.

By the time we got home, I was mostly alright.  I got much better after looking at Facebook and seeing the boost I needed:


Pretty good for something none existent huh???

Later, I heard K call his buddies something that made me both laugh, and give a harsh nickname to that veteran. MONKEY FUCKER. Yup... crass as all get out, but I likes it!

Let's keep our fingers crossed that The Invisible Warm gets Documentary of the Year.. That would sure say a lot to those of us that are veterans - and survivors of it.   And maybe, educate some others about the existence of it and then help end it.

Over and out,