Friday, May 3, 2013
This post will be a bit wandering, may contain bad grammar and typos. So if you are a word snob - go away! If you have a heart and can read past that and understand the MEANING someone is conveying and be COMPASSIONATE enough to still CARE about what they are saying or cause that they are promoting then you are welcome here!
I have always felt that if I can understand the gist of what someone is trying to communicate, then that's what matters most. Everyone has their own level of education and literacy.. I worked with disabled folks who had a very hard time with writing and communicating for over 20 years. I was a 'communication' specialist and what mattered was the content, not the way it was communicated. If you listen with your heart... that's what matters. I am most likely hyper sensitive to this particular subject, but ~shrug~ that's me and that's okay.
I had a bad night last night. Worst one in months.
It started when I was having a hard time taking a pill. The VA sends me these 800mg Ibuprofen pills I have to cut in half mos most of the time. I have to take a full one to get through the night pain free though.. Because of all the times my throat was squeezed and I was choked, it has spasms sometimes that I can't stop. When it happens when I need to take a pill, its worse. Last nite was a really hard hard time to swallow the full pill. So there was the reminder of a terrible time.
Later at night, my insomnia had me up, and a comment went by on on FB that triggered me. It wasn't the first time that a comment this person had made triggered me. And it won't be the last, but it's getting there.
It all comes down to keeping someone as a 'friend' when they post mean snarky stuff that is very triggering to me. I have been keeping this 'friend' (who started out as the friend of a friend) around on the social media sites so that I didn't hurt her feelings by removing her. I've sat by and watched her snark at my bestest friend till that relationship was destroyed. I wanted to unfriend her then. But she had been nice to me, and I didn't' want to hurt her feelings as I said. But - I've come to the final conclusion that I don't feel like she is good for me.
I'd posted a couple weeks back about snarkyness on one of those sites and was very close to unfriending her at that point. Then last night, she made a honest but triggering comment about being a kind of snob which struck me as terribly mean last nite (which she may or may not see as such), but it really hit me hard and I finally unfriended her from one site. And I did a short 'status update' about how I felt. But I did nothing about the other site. I WANTED to erase all connections with her. I didn't.
When I went to sleep, I had a terrible nightmare.. I was being chased, and was cornered again. And one of the asshats had me by the throat again, choking me - again. I was trying to say 'STOP!' but could only gurgle because of the choking. Then thank goodness, K woke me up from it. I lay awake, gasping and terrified, and of course.. very very relieved that it had been a dream, and not me back there again today. After a while I manged to go back to sleep.
My dear kitty slept curled up close so I didn't feel so alone. He made me feel better, as I slept, but I woke up still scared and shaking. The dream still fresh as those terrible days when it was real.
This morning there were a couple of kind remarks to me by friends about my status and the unfriending. And I felt better that I had been proactive in doing so. But there is still one other site I still need to do that on. So far, I have been afraid of causing a bigger uproar when I do. But friends, I am feeling like I really really need to. I don't want to be friends with this person, and I don't want them to be friends with my family. I had a good chat with my Sista, returning her 9am call I slept through. She has never said anything to me about defriending this person, even though they have hurt her badly. And... as I wandered in a daze this morning, I reflected, that after having read the past few months of snipy stuff, I would have resisted being very close to this person. Its IS that passive aggressive shit I HATE HATE HATE!
I feel like a coward at this moment, trapped in a way, afraid to do what I feel is best for me to do. Like I need someone else to give me permission to unfriend this person and to bear the uglyness that may come from it. But not doing it makes me feel so out of control.
And... do I write and tell her way I am doing this? or do I just do it? I would sure be open to any POSITIVE comments.
Over and out,