Thursday, July 5, 2012

Today was The Day.. VA Psylogical Testing for PTSD

Well.. its over.  Finally.  At least this part of it.  Now... I guess.. comes the waiting?

Didn't sleep well at all last nite.  Kept waking up and worrying about how today would go.   I did know I had a female doc, I had called to make sure as soon as I had a number to call and ask.   

I was sooo grateful that K took the day off to take me down to the Houston VA.  We left at 7:30 for the 9:30 appointment.  We got there at 8:26.. and it took about 10 mins to find a parking spot.  Which is great by the standard there.  It only took a minute or too after we entered for me to have a major panic attack. I started crying, and couldn't seem to stop.  I wanted to dash into the bathroom and hide.  But K was very strong and encouraging and  I was totally lost.. something about taking the blue elevators in this huge, overwhelming maze.  But K smoothly found our way, and I was checked in and seated by 9.  While we were siting and waiting, I kept trying to calm myself, but felt things building up instead.  A part of me didn't want too be a mess... to hold it together.. but on the other hand, if there was someone to see this side, the mess.. the obvious trauma.. this was the person.

They called me just a bit after 9:30.  The lady doc was very nice and  she made me feel very comfortable.  She explained that this was a 'psychological test'.. and that she would be asking me lots and lots of questions.  She asked about my childhood... pre-service life.. and then.. the service.  I had to tell her.. and relive.. the whole ugly mess.. all f'in four years of it. And then.. the aftermath of it.  The mess my life has been. The puzzle pieces I can see now, that I never could when it was all hidden away.. even from myself. All the way up to my breakdown and the end of my working career.  And then, all the physical stuff that goes on.. and then all the mental stuff that goes on.  

I liked how she phrased the question "Do you ever think about ACTUALLY killing anyone?" I had to muse that over for a minute.  'actually'... well.. no...but I had made some revenge plans in the past in my rabid imagination... but they never got past the beginning stages plans.  She asked about suicide.. yes. I think about it.. it would make the pain stop. But I told her I was a chicken.  The doc said that wasn't a bad thing.  *sighs*.   I spent most of the time weeping and trying to answer clearly... and the rest of it twisting a series of tissues around and around in pretzels.

At the end of the appointment, she mentioned the MST facility that is in the Houston area that my first Vet Center doc had told me about, where she wanted me to go and that I have written about here before. She stressed that that is what they specialize in.  I took that as a good sign that she felt I needed that heavy duty help of in patient treatment.  I asked her if that was the place where they 'lock you up'.. and she said  'well, it's for your safety'.  She asked me to think about it, and I told her I would. Uh huh.

As I was walking away down the hall, she leaned out the door and called to me. I turned around and she looked at me and smiled in a kind way and said "And thank you for your service!".  My eyes filled with tears again and I nodded my thanks.. and then went to find K to take me home. 

I think I wept half of the way home again.... remembering all the terrible things in the clear details I'd had to tell the doc.. Was like ripping the scab off yet again.  But the miles flowed past, and K reminded me that now.. this part is over, I have to have faith that it will all work out.  

Now.. it's just to wait and see, and work on getting well, and time to be a hostess.  Summer is here, and the first of our guest's arrives next week.  They are sure to keep me busy for a while.  I do still have my blood tests and then my first appointment up at the other VA on July 31st.  Doc said today to be sure I talked to mental health about some drugs to help me sleep and with my depression and moods.  I will do that.  

Had a good group on Mon, and got a new assignment.  Doc J will be with us through the beginning of Aug. Yaay.  Although. I screwed up last week.. I was supposed to see her on Fri and I was sure the appt was at 11 as it's always been, but it was a 10, so I missed it.  Doc said at group on Mon she had used the time to do other things, but I felt like an idiot.  

Anyways.. so that where things are now.   I will relax some.. relived that at least this part is done!
Over and out,

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