So, a movie got me again. This time, it was the movie Fury. I wanted to watch it, although K had some concerns. I don't like thinking I'm a wimp, and can't even handle a movie. And this one was a WWll movie, and I thought I could handle it. Until the scene with the new bootie. A kid just in for 8 weeks, and his first job was to clean the up blood and brain's of his predecessor in the tank. The kid has to come out and puke part way through it... and I had to close my eyes.
What started the anxiety attack... was the look in Brad Pitt's eyes as he watched the kid, knowing what was to come, what he would face, what he would see..what he would feel. He tells the kid not to get close to anyone. I could relate too much.. having been young and so trusting, so gullible, so innocent. I saw that same look on the faces of some of my fellow lady sailors who had a good idea what the asshats raping me were up to. Pity. Inability to help. And I had that look for some of them too. We were all powerless to stop what was happening, any more then that young soldier in WW2 could say he wanted to go home, instead of rumbling to the front.
The scene that got me really bad came a few minutes later is when the tanks are rolling, and the kid thinks he sees someone in the bushes. As he peers for a better look, the tank in front of him is shot with a missile of some sort, and explodes in flames. The top pop's open and a soldier engulfed in flames falls out screaming.. then the flaming man stands up, take his pistol and shoots himself in the head, and falls. My first thought was 'Thank God he had that pistol".. and then I started shaking very badly.. uh oh... before I know it, I am rocking and sobbing. K has stopped the movie and is comforting me. I tell him, I don't want to be a wimp. He says I am not.. that I have been through so much, more then he ever could have, and that takes strength, and that I am not a wimp. He is also apologizing over and over for having let me watch the movie. K plays the game Tanks with some of his buddies, and he is very interested in history. He is very sane and stable (thank God) and has been my rock while I have had my breakdown. He has held the shattered me gently and supported me in all ways. I know some of my good friends are online, and so I tell him I'll go pop in and visit with them while he watches the rest of the movie. He suggests I go have some 'medicine', and asks if I am sure sure that I am okay. Now, it took about 10 min before I could stop shaking and have this conversation with him.
This all hits when I least expect it. I can barely to go movies in the theatre anymore, because I won't let us spend that kind of money, just to have to flee. I can't go some places for the same reason. Someone or thing triggers me, and I need to leave. K has to deal with this every day. I try so hard to be solid.. but sometimes... I feel like a diseased leaf, fluttering before a wind I cannot see nor control. Up and up.. swirling around. I want to be grounded, I want to be solid. I want to go places and be strong. But.... I am accpeting.. that I have to avoid war movies. And other ones.. I had the same terrible affect when we went to see one of the Hunger Games movies.... Donald Southerland was soo awful, so horrible.. that he WAS the face of the men who attacked and raped me. Same smirk.. same self satisfied power trip.
The two things that have helped, have been the therapy I have been getting at the Vet Center, and medical cannabis. And now, advocating for medical cannabis, is giving me a shred of the illusion of control of my life. My life, and sanity are in the hands of the politicians in Austin. Going there to meet and speak with them, is very powerful for me. It is making me proactive. So is letter writing.. So towards that, I did my handwriting letters to my two Texas state reps.
I hope they read them, and it touches their hearts. And they will help us. I read something else that got me very, very upset today. And it was this article:
I posted this to facebook:
I am asking any who come here, to please, do you best to help us change the laws, so that we can stop the horrors of this suicide epidemic. I wanted to kill myself too.. and cannabis is the only thing that kept me above the water. I NEED THC, that horrid chemical that makes one feel HAPPIER.... when folks say, "Oh, that THC will get you high".. as if that is the worst thing in the world. I replace it as my grandma did, with HAPPY. I remember her saying "what on earth is wrong with a medicine that makes us feel HAPPIER AND BETTER???" So when you are all up in it about keeping THC away from anyone that it make make 'high'... try changing that word with HAPPY.. and see what that brings to the context.
Over and Out,