So, a movie got me again. This time, it was the movie Fury. I wanted to watch it, although K had some concerns. I don't like thinking I'm a wimp, and can't even handle a movie. And this one was a WWll movie, and I thought I could handle it. Until the scene with the new bootie. A kid just in for 8 weeks, and his first job was to clean the up blood and brain's of his predecessor in the tank. The kid has to come out and puke part way through it... and I had to close my eyes.
What started the anxiety attack... was the look in Brad Pitt's eyes as he watched the kid, knowing what was to come, what he would face, what he would see..what he would feel. He tells the kid not to get close to anyone. I could relate too much.. having been young and so trusting, so gullible, so innocent. I saw that same look on the faces of some of my fellow lady sailors who had a good idea what the asshats raping me were up to. Pity. Inability to help. And I had that look for some of them too. We were all powerless to stop what was happening, any more then that young soldier in WW2 could say he wanted to go home, instead of rumbling to the front.
The scene that got me really bad came a few minutes later is when the tanks are rolling, and the kid thinks he sees someone in the bushes. As he peers for a better look, the tank in front of him is shot with a missile of some sort, and explodes in flames. The top pop's open and a soldier engulfed in flames falls out screaming.. then the flaming man stands up, take his pistol and shoots himself in the head, and falls. My first thought was 'Thank God he had that pistol".. and then I started shaking very badly.. uh oh... before I know it, I am rocking and sobbing. K has stopped the movie and is comforting me. I tell him, I don't want to be a wimp. He says I am not.. that I have been through so much, more then he ever could have, and that takes strength, and that I am not a wimp. He is also apologizing over and over for having let me watch the movie. K plays the game Tanks with some of his buddies, and he is very interested in history. He is very sane and stable (thank God) and has been my rock while I have had my breakdown. He has held the shattered me gently and supported me in all ways. I know some of my good friends are online, and so I tell him I'll go pop in and visit with them while he watches the rest of the movie. He suggests I go have some 'medicine', and asks if I am sure sure that I am okay. Now, it took about 10 min before I could stop shaking and have this conversation with him.
This all hits when I least expect it. I can barely to go movies in the theatre anymore, because I won't let us spend that kind of money, just to have to flee. I can't go some places for the same reason. Someone or thing triggers me, and I need to leave. K has to deal with this every day. I try so hard to be solid.. but sometimes... I feel like a diseased leaf, fluttering before a wind I cannot see nor control. Up and up.. swirling around. I want to be grounded, I want to be solid. I want to go places and be strong. But.... I am accpeting.. that I have to avoid war movies. And other ones.. I had the same terrible affect when we went to see one of the Hunger Games movies.... Donald Southerland was soo awful, so horrible.. that he WAS the face of the men who attacked and raped me. Same smirk.. same self satisfied power trip.
The two things that have helped, have been the therapy I have been getting at the Vet Center, and medical cannabis. And now, advocating for medical cannabis, is giving me a shred of the illusion of control of my life. My life, and sanity are in the hands of the politicians in Austin. Going there to meet and speak with them, is very powerful for me. It is making me proactive. So is letter writing.. So towards that, I did my handwriting letters to my two Texas state reps.
I hope they read them, and it touches their hearts. And they will help us. I read something else that got me very, very upset today. And it was this article:
I posted this to facebook:
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
February 24, 2015
February 24, 2015
WOODLAND PARK, CO - In a public statement issued today, Roger Martin, Executive Director of Operation Grow4Vets, accused the Veterans Administration of murdering more than fifty Veterans a day.
According to Martin, “More than fifty American heroes are being murdered every day of the year by incompetent, heartless, bonus-driven bureaucrats at the Veterans Administration.”
When asked if “murder” might not be a rather harsh label, Martin responded, “What would you call people who, despite knowing that their actions are killing people, continue to order doctors to violate their Hippocratic Oath by shoving totally ineffective, dangerous prescription drugs down the throats of their patients? I call them murderers!”
Martin notes that, “On February 12, 2015, President Obama signed The Clay Hunt Suicide Prevention for American Veterans Act named in honor of a much-decorated Marine Corps combat Veteran who took his own life on March 31, 2011.
Clay Hunt was a true American hero in every sense of the word. Like far too many Veterans, he suffered from the aftereffects of war. Worse yet, his death was the direct result of the quagmire of red tape known as the U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs. This quote from Hunt was included in his obituary, published by The Washington Post. It is but one example of what Hunt had to deal with after returning home:
“You fight for your country, then come home and have to fight against your own country for the benefits you were promised,” Mr. Hunt told the Los Angeles Times in 2010. “I can track my pizza from Pizza Hut on my BlackBerry, but the VA can’t find my claim for four months.”
Martin labelled the signing ceremony a “dog and pony show” and something most of the politicians in attendance simple saw as another opportunity to gain political points under the false pretense of being pro-Veteran.
Martin went on to say that he watched the entire 22 minutes and 53 seconds of this ceremony and the President made the statement that, “Sometimes talk is cheap.” Most importantly, President Obama also noted that “…. American hero, Clay Hunt, struggled to find the right medicine to help him with his PTSD.” Martin’s message to the President, “The right medicine is cannabis, Mr. President.’”
All Veterans are asking is that the President walk-the-walk. He can order the VA to mandate that their doctors offer Veterans cannabis as a safe alternative to the deadly drug cocktails that, once again, killed at least 50 Veterans today….just like they did yesterday….just like they do every day of the year.
It is an unfortunate fact that VA medical personnel have their treatment options unethically restricted by the Veterans Administration. Too many of these people are concerned only about keeping America’s bravest in a drug-induced stupor until they either give up hope and take their own lives, or die from a prescription drug overdose. Far too many Vets are being forced to take 10, 15, 20, or more different drugs a day.
Martin is calling on VA medical providers to stand up for their patients by demanding that VA administrators allow them to recommend cannabis as a safe treatment alternative.
Many Operation Grow4Vets members have been able to either reduce or completely eliminate deadly prescription drugs from their treatment regimen. “Countless Veterans have told me that cannabis is the ONLY thing that has ever helped them in dealing with the horrors of PTSD,” Martin says.
The VA claims that twenty-two Veterans take their own lives every single day of the year. Martin wears a “22” dog tag around his neck in honor and remembrance of those lost American heroes. This number now seems to be touted in virtually all Veteran-related media coverage.
Until a few days ago, even Martin accepted that twenty-two might at least be somewhere in the ballpark. He was wrong!
Here are the true facts: The twenty-two number comes from a 2012 study conducted by the VA that included statistics from only twenty-one states. And, of the twenty-one states that supposedly provided numbers for this study, twenty-three percent of the reported deaths had no ‘cause of death’ classification listed at all.
Worse yet is the fact that Texas, which has a population of almost 27 million people and is home to almost 1.6 million Veterans, was NOT included in the study. Neither was another state that the VA must consider statistically - insignificant - California! That’s another 38.8 million people of which nearly 1.9 million are Veterans. From just these two states, alone, the study omitted 65.8 million people and a Veteran population of at least 3.5 million.
Operation Grow4Vets has scheduled seventeen of their Cannabis Giveaway events in Colorado in 2015. The next event is:
February 28, 2015 — Denver, Colorado (11:00 AM - 2:00 PM)
Quality Inn Central Denver
200 West 48th Avenue
Quality Inn Central Denver
200 West 48th Avenue
A second event will be held on the following Sunday:
March 8, 2015 — Colorado Springs, Colorado (11:00 AM - 2:00 PM)
DoubleTree by Hilton
1775 East Cheyenne Mountain Blvd.
DoubleTree by Hilton
1775 East Cheyenne Mountain Blvd.
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About Operation Grow4Vets – The mission of Operation Grow4Vets is to help reduce the staggering number of Veterans who die each day from suicide and prescription drug overdose. We provide Veterans with the knowledge and resources necessary to obtain or grow their own marijuana for treatment of their medical conditions. We are working to raise awareness by enlisting the public’s aid and support in ensuring that all injured and wounded Veterans receive the respect and dignity of life that they deserve. Our purpose is to provide Veterans with unique products, programs and services designed to assist them in living with injuries sustained while protecting our freedom. Operation Grow4Vets is a national, nonpartisan organization headquartered in Colorado. To get involved or to learn more, visit www.grow4vets.org.
Individuals can show their appreciation for the sacrifices that America’s heroes have made by making a donation online at: http://grow4vets.org/donate.html, by sending a check to: Operation Grow4Vets, Post Office Box 4348, Woodland Park, CO 80866, or at any Operation Grow4Vets event.
Cannabis related activities are conducted only within jurisdictions allowing such activities. Operation Grow4Vets is a 501(c)(19) nonprofit, exemption pending organization.
Press Contact:
Robyn Peterson
Media Relations
(720) 296-9230
Robyn Peterson
Media Relations
(720) 296-9230
I am asking any who come here, to please, do you best to help us change the laws, so that we can stop the horrors of this suicide epidemic. I wanted to kill myself too.. and cannabis is the only thing that kept me above the water. I NEED THC, that horrid chemical that makes one feel HAPPIER.... when folks say, "Oh, that THC will get you high".. as if that is the worst thing in the world. I replace it as my grandma did, with HAPPY. I remember her saying "what on earth is wrong with a medicine that makes us feel HAPPIER AND BETTER???" So when you are all up in it about keeping THC away from anyone that it make make 'high'... try changing that word with HAPPY.. and see what that brings to the context.
Over and Out,
Myst
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