I had a rough night last night. Thoughts swirling around.. memories I don't want raising their ugly heads. One of the most circular thoughts was this:
This coming Thur, two veterans will represent all the Texas veterans who wish to be able to use medical cannabis as their medicine by testifying before the Texas Veterans Committee. I have very mixed feelings about this. I know and respect both veterans who are testifying. But neither of them have had the experiences I have had in a couple of different ways. First.. neither is a survivor of military sexual trauma like I and thousands of others are. Our PTSD, and the help that medical cannabis can give us is unique to each patient, but also to us as a group, being in control of our medicine, after having had our control taken from us during military sexual trauma, choosing our best medicine gives us back an extremely important choice. I have asked them to mention MST, and so far, one of them has assured me that she will. But she cannot speak from the excruciating pain of the actual experience.
For a refresher on MST..... or if you haven't seen this, please watch it:
The second part, that is just as vital to me, is my experience as a veteran from a medical cannabis state, that WAS able to talk to their VA doctor about medical cannabis, and far more importantly, have them talk to ME about my medicine and be supportive of it. The experience of an open, frank, honest conversation about the best medicine for my PTSD is very healing. That they also recognized how therapeutic growing my own medicine was to me, and that was also a very healing experience. Being able to speak about being a veteran in a medical state, where all is open and above board and is one that I think our Texas legislators need to hear first hand from someone who has lived it, and can answer questions about it.
The difference between being a veteran in a medical state, and all the support that comes with it, as opposed to being a criminal a non-medical state for the exact same medicine is truly ludicrous. I don't need the extra paranoia that being in a non medical state brings. I can't move anywhere else, this is where my PTSD treatment is. I don't WANT to go anywhere else, this is my HOME now!!!! My medicine should not depend on my zip code. The VA clearly sees how healing medical cannabis is for vets, and gives us all the support they can in medical states. The mental difference for anyone with PTSD, or any illness is incredibly important.
I also have some strong feelings about veterans families. Operation Trapped is a fantastic rally that I am 10000% behind. But... during working the OT table last weekend, many veterans signed it happily. But the unhappy ones, were the family, widows, friends of veterans who also wanted to sign something in support of their veteran family member or friend. I had to tell them they couldn't, and the looks on their faces was heart rending to me. I understand that we want pure veteran numbers in signing the letter to the Gov asking him to meet with veterans. But... the numbers in support of veterans is HUGE. Every person who read the veteran's letter wanted to sign in support of them. The numbers are enormous in support of veterans using it. The letter itself says we know that our fellow citizens support us, why not have a way to show it when they want to?
We have been told that that support from legislators will most likely make us the ones they can 'evolve' on medical cannabis for PTSD, chronic pain and such. Our families have to deal with us, with our fucked-upped-ness. I know that K has become very watchful and protective of me, for like myself, he never knows when the oddest thing will trigger me into a anxiety attack, sometimes of epic proportions. Sometimes I feel guilty because some of his care-free life is forever gone. He will always have to be on guard with me to be sure I don't lose it. Being able to self medicate with an effective medication, and the excellent therapy from Crystal at the Harris County Vet Center have helped me more then I have words to speak. The fact that what I am doing could get me into deep trouble makes me incredibly jumpy. I know some of my dearest friends are spouses of my veteran friends, and I watch them struggle as K does with their veteran's PTSD or chronic pain. I want them to have a voice. I feel a mission to help them, but I am afraid of rocking the boat some within the activist community.
I also want to ring the bell more to the legislators about Vet Centers and the lack of knowledge about them by most of the veterans I meed. I would like to see the Texas legislature act to publicize them more, although it's really the VA's job to do so. But they don't seem to be doing it.
On Wed, I drive to Austin so I'll be there early for Thru's testimony. I'll fill ya'll in as to how it goes later.
Over and out,
Myst
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