Well.. now to get the rest of this ugly story out there.... and out of me.
Stressful Incident No.
Two.
Life on NAS FW
When I arrived on my
first base, I was assigned to Special Services. The Chief was a Boatswains
Mate. The first thing he ever said to me, when I checked in, was that I
had two strikes against me, #1, that I was a woman, and #2, that I was a
woman. He glared at me and told me that because of me, some poor sailor
was stuck at sea and wouldn’t get to see his wife and kids. That it was
all my fault and I had no right to be there and I should just get the hell
out. That he would be watching me ever moment and that any time I slipped
up, he would bust me as fast as he could. I was devastated emotionally,
but sucked it up. He was always calling me into the office to remind me
that I was taking up that sailors position and that he was watching me. And
that there was no place for me ‘In this man’s Navy’.’ He made me feel
worthless and humiliated every time he would do this. He’d say how stupid women
were and go on rants about how he’d throw us all out if he could. I
absolutely believed everything he said about my taking that poor sailors place,
and I felt horribly guilty for doing such a terrible thing. It wasn’t
until 3.5 years later that I learned that wasn’t true at all, that there were
male and female billets and that one gender cannot take the other genders
spot. It was because of this that fundamentally I gave up in the Navy almost
as soon as I got there. This, and then the assault and then..
What was to follow.
His assistant was a (I believe)
MM2. His name was C, and he was from Georgia and he drove a white and
red mustang cobra. The Chief would do his rants in front of C, with C standing
behind him leering at me, nodding and agreeing with the Chief. I
tried to stay away from him as much as I could. After the attack, I was
much weaker and dispirited. One night I was working late at the auto shop
where I was working in the tool room. The place was empty and it
was closing time. I was doing some final paperwork for the day when
suddenly C came up behind me and put his hand over my mouth. He grabbed me by
my hair, and turned me around, yanked me down. It was then I realized his erect
penis was in my face. He forced me to give oral sex to him until he
ejaculated down my throat and on my face. . He then zipped up, threw a dirty
shop towel at me and told me to clean up. And not to tell anyone, or else he’d
just have to be sure I get set up for a Court Marshal and then I’d lose all my
benefits, because nobody would believe a lowly E1 over a career petty
officer. He said I knew what the Chief thought of me, and that most
likely the Chief would say that this was the only thing I was good for anyways,
and at least I was good at this. C said that he would try to keep the Chief
from doing bad things to me if I co-operated with him. I was afraid of
the Chief and C. Because I knew I wasn’t believed before, I went along with
him..
And this went on for many
months. He did other things to me. Since C did the job assignments
for the division, he would give me job assignments and hours that put me in
vulnerable places where he could get to me. He always gave me closing
hours.
He also forced me to live a
double life in that I had married LF, a AMS3 a few months after the attack in
hopes of feeling protected, a bad choice but I was venerable and trying to feel
safer. I thought being married to a nice person would help. L didn’t know
what had happened to me, but he said I was a nice person, but frigid. I think
maybe he felt sorry for me. The thing with C started after L and I were
married, and so it was even worse to me, that I was being forced to do this. It
served to mess me up even more. I never knew when or where he would show up and
what he would make me do.
The only peace I got from C
is when he got transferred, I think he was to Spain. By then, my husband
had unexpectedly reenlisted , instead of getting out like he had said he was going
to do, and the first two as sea duty so he was off on a ship. It was then
I found out the only thing worse then a single sailor, was one who’s husband
was known to be on a ship a long way away. The very thing that should
have been protection, became a liability as he was nowhere near to protect me,
and everyone knew it.
Stressful Incident No 3
Life on NTTC SC
On my second base, NTTC SC
I was assigned to Ground Maintenance, and worked in the Division with the Sea
Bee’s.
There was a 2nd
Class Sea Bee, I think he was a Construction Builder, and his name was L.
He was a huge guy. And he looked at me like I was fresh meat, and I
was terribly afraid. I had hoped.. Prayed, that a new base would give me
a safe, new start. But it wasn’t to be. He had that look. It
started with him one day, I was in the supply shed, where I was assigned, it
was lunch time and everyone else was gone. He came up behind me, and
grabbed me, and it was an exact repeat of C. He forced me to my knees,
and held my head and forced me give him oral sex. He ejaculated down my
throat and then grabbed me by the throat and lifted me up until I began
choking, then he pinned me against a wall and said if I ever told he’d set me
up to be Court Marshaled. By then I’d been to Captain’s Mast once for
falling asleep on barracks watch and I was even more terrified of Court
Marshal. So, again, I complied. And, he was like C, only meaner and
scarier. He would send me to assignments on base where I was alone and he
would often grab my throat to start before he raped me and forced to submit to
his sexual whims. He got off on choking me. To this day I have problems
with my throat because of it. People who know me know I choke very very
easily. They think its another reason, because who can tell the truth
about a thing like that? And I get to remember that SOB every time it happens,
hear him laughing at me and wonder, if the people around me know ….
There was also another Sea
Bee in the Division, he was a CE2, his name was P. My memory is that P
arrived on base after me. It was certainly after L had been abusing me for a
bit. He was driving down one of the perimeter roads, one day, and
not too far off the road was L’s truck, and a short distance from there,
where I had been working before L had arrived and was forcing me to give him
oral sex again. As P’s truck slowed down a few hundred yards away, L told
me since P was his buddy, he had told P to check something on that road and
that he had set things up precisely so that P would see us. P parked and
walked out to the point he was supposed to be checking. I was
deeply humiliated as L laughed and said he had told P what a slut I was and P
said he thought that I was too nice a girl to be that way, but that he, L had
told P to drive out there and he would see for himself it was true.
As he knew P was watching, he said that he going to be sure to show P that I
not only was I a slut, but one that liked it rough. He then slapped me
around and he got pumped up like he was performing for P. And shortly after it
was evident he was done, and P was walking back to and getting into his truck, L
told me to stand up and kiss him passionately or else he’d hurt me bad.
And he knew how to. So he forced me to kiss him as P continued past us on
down the road. Later when I arrived back at the Division, he was there, I
was very embarrassed and was afraid of what he might say to me, but he totally
ignored me and acted like I wasn’t there.
The next day however, when I
was weed eating on another backwoods assignment L has sent me to alone,
he showed up and walked across the field to the edge of the woods where I was
working. He motioned that he had to talk to me. As soon as I took off the
goggles and face mask off, he hauled off and slapped me hard across the face
and called me slut. I was stunned and fell to my knees, dizzy with shock.
Shit, not again. He grabbed my hair and said something to the effect that
it was obvious I had no shame and then he said L had told him how much I wanted
to suck him off. He said L had told him my secret and that I liked it
rough and to be slapped, even though I told him no, please no it wasn‘t true..
he said L had told him that I’d say that, and pretend I didn’t want it, but
that I really did and it was part of my game. He said L had told him what
I liked. He then repeated what C and L had done, yanked me by the hair,
forced me to do oral sex on him and then choked me as he ejaculated on
me. Then he slapped me again. He said now that he knew the secret and if
I didn’t want everyone to know what a slut I was, then I was going to have to
give him whatever he wanted it, whenever he wanted it. *sigh*.
So.. They both used me
and manipulated me in numerous ways. Repeatedly. I learned to comply with
their demands quickly to endure the least pain and embarrassment and get it
over with as fast as possible. I realized that they were working together
to manipulate things so that I was always in situations during working hours
where they could get me alone. .
IT WAS THAT WAY THE WHOLE
TIME I WAS ON THE BASE.
Every day I was on that
base, I was in fear of what some man was going to make me do next.
And I still am. I hated work I hated life I hated the Navy. I had
terrible problems with many aspects of my life during that time as I am sure my
personal records show
There was also a
Master Chief P on NTTC SC, who was like the first Chief and took delight
in calling me into his office to tell me what a fuck up I was and that I was a
sorry excuse for a sailor and that the sooner I got out of ‘This Man’s Navy’,
the better off the Navy would be. He would spew all sorts of venom on me,
and all I could do was stand at attention and say “yes Sir’. I
don’t know if he ever knew what L and P were up to, but he certainly wasn’t
anyone that one could ever tell. In fact, there was never any one I could
tell. From my first day at my first base, to my last day on my last base,
I was treated with disgust and disdain. They told me that I
wouldn’t make it ‘out there in the real world’ and that I would be back. But
when I got out, I’d never go back. I served my time, and as a dear friend said,
in ways I never should have had to.
I never ever told anyone
about the extent of the sexual harassment and MST’s by C, L and P until this
document. Not even Dr. L yet.
And yet, the thing I am most
proud of in my life, is being a US Navy veteran, and what’s sicker still, is
that even with what happened to me, I would serve my country to the best of my
ability all over again.
It was of some note to
me to realize after talking with Dr. L, that indeed, I have not been
able to hold any job where a man was my direct boss, or even interview with men
bosses since I left the Navy. I thought I was just a failure and a loser
like they told me I was. Turns out, I am not those things, but I was and
still am severely traumatized by them beating that into my head, heart, and
body. Only my soul remained true to me, and by God’s grace, I have survived.
NOTE: Jan 7, 2012
Yesterday was a terrible
day. I had worked on this statement all night. And then, yesterday
morning, the severely disabled man I have been working with kept poking me,
suddenly barking and growling loudly at me. I kept asking him nicely to stop
and told him that he was scaring me. He did this all during the movie I
had to take him to, during lunch, and then while I was driving too.
He is totally untrainable and unpredictable.. After my shift, I sat in
the car and sobbed, totally traumatized. I wrote it in the daily notes at
the end of my shift, and then I talked to the secretary at TheCompany and then
had nightmares all nite. So this morning I called and quit my job working
with him. You can also call and talk to Thecompany, ask for C. She can
tell you how upset I am. I just can’t make myself go back and face
another day of it. I just CAN’T!!!
I wrote to Dr. L and she wrote this back to me:
R,
it sounds like quitting was the right thing. Having a man, even a
disabled one, physically touching you without your permission (and after
asking him not to) would obviously trigger your PTSD. I read your
account. I knew there were more incidents but I had no idea how frequent
or severe they were. I am so sorry for all you have been through, and
the toll it has taken on your life. I am here for you, and hope I can
help you to get through this. Thank you for trusting me with this
intensely personal information. I’ll see you tomorrow afternoon.
“I hereby certify that
the information I have given it true to the best of my knowledge and belief”
--
I've not been able to work since then.. and I am struggling to get along. I am blessed in that I have a wonderful friend and partner that has given me a home and supports fully my path to wellness.
Over and Out,Myst
No comments:
Post a Comment