Thursday, June 14, 2012

"Stressful Incident's" numbers 2 & 3

Well.. now to get the rest of this ugly story out there.... and out of me.

Stressful Incident No. Two.
Life on NAS FW

   When I arrived on my first base, I was assigned to Special Services.  The Chief was a Boatswains Mate. The first thing he ever said to me, when I checked in,  was that I had two strikes against me, #1, that I was a woman, and #2, that I was a woman.  He glared at me and told me that because of me, some poor sailor was stuck at sea and wouldn’t get to see his wife and kids.  That it was all my fault and I had no right to be there and I should just get the hell out.  That he would be watching me ever moment and that any time I slipped up, he would bust me as fast as he could.  I was devastated emotionally, but sucked it up.  He was always calling me into the office to remind me that I was taking up that sailors position and that he was watching me. And that there was no place for me ‘In this man’s Navy’.’  He made me feel worthless and humiliated every time he would do this. He’d say how stupid women were and go on rants about how he’d throw us all out if he could.  I absolutely believed everything he said about my taking that poor sailors place, and I felt horribly guilty for doing such a terrible thing.  It wasn’t until 3.5 years later that I learned that wasn’t true at all, that there were male and female billets and that one gender cannot take the other genders spot.  It was because of this that fundamentally I gave up in the Navy almost as soon as I got there.   This, and then the assault and then..  What was to follow.

His assistant was a (I believe) MM2.  His name was C, and he was from Georgia and he drove a white and red mustang cobra.  The Chief would do his rants in front of C, with C standing behind him  leering at me, nodding and agreeing with the Chief.  I tried to stay away from him as much as I could.  After the attack, I was much weaker and dispirited.  One night I was working late at the auto shop where I was working in the tool room.   The place was empty and it was closing time.  I was doing some final paperwork for the day when suddenly C came up behind me and put his hand over my mouth. He grabbed me by my hair, and turned me around, yanked me down. It was then I realized his erect penis was in my face.  He forced me to give oral sex to him until he ejaculated down my throat and on my face. . He then zipped up, threw a dirty shop towel at me and told me to clean up. And not to tell anyone, or else he’d just have to be sure I get set up for a Court Marshal and then I’d lose all my benefits, because nobody would believe a lowly E1 over a career petty officer.  He said I knew what the Chief thought of me, and that most likely the Chief would say that this was the only thing I was good for anyways, and at least I was good at this. C said that he would try to keep the Chief from doing bad things to me if I co-operated with him.  I was afraid of the Chief and C. Because I knew I wasn’t believed before, I went along with him..

And this went on for many months.  He did other things to me.  Since C did the job assignments for the division, he would give me job assignments and hours that put me in vulnerable places where he could get to me.  He always gave me closing hours.

He also forced me to live a double life in that I had married LF, a AMS3 a few months after the attack in hopes of feeling protected, a bad choice but I was venerable and trying to feel safer. I thought being married to a nice person would help.  L didn’t know what had happened to me, but he said I was a nice person, but frigid. I think maybe he felt sorry for me.  The thing with C started after L and I were married, and so it was even worse to me, that I was being forced to do this. It served to mess me up even more. I never knew when or where he would show up and what he would make me do.

The only peace I got from C is when he got transferred, I think he was to Spain.  By then, my husband had unexpectedly reenlisted , instead of getting out like he had said he was going to do,  and the first two as sea duty so he was off on a ship. It was then I found out the only thing worse then a single sailor, was one who’s husband was known to be on a ship a long way away.  The very thing that should have been protection, became a liability as he was nowhere near to protect me, and everyone knew it.

Stressful Incident No 3
Life on NTTC SC

On my second base,  NTTC SC I was assigned to Ground Maintenance, and worked in the Division with the Sea Bee’s.  

There was a 2nd Class Sea Bee, I think he was a Construction Builder, and his name was L.  He was a huge guy.   And he looked at me like I was fresh meat, and I was terribly afraid.  I had hoped.. Prayed, that a new base would give me a safe, new start.  But it wasn’t to be.  He had that look.  It started with him one day, I was in the supply shed, where I was assigned, it was lunch time and everyone else was gone.  He came up behind me, and grabbed me, and it was an exact repeat of C.  He forced me to my knees, and held my head and forced me give him oral sex.  He ejaculated down my throat and then grabbed me by the throat and lifted me up until I began choking, then he pinned me against a wall and said if I ever told he’d set me up to be Court Marshaled.  By then I’d been to Captain’s Mast once for falling asleep on barracks watch and I was even more terrified of Court Marshal. So, again, I complied.   And, he was like C, only meaner and scarier.  He would send me to assignments on base where I was alone and he would often grab my throat to start before he raped me and forced to submit to his sexual whims.  He got off on choking me. To this day I have problems with my throat because of it.  People who know me know I choke very very easily.  They think its another reason, because who can tell the truth about a thing like that? And I get to remember that SOB every time it happens, hear him laughing at me and wonder, if the people around me know ….

There was also another Sea Bee in the Division, he was a CE2, his name was P.  My memory is that P arrived on base after me. It was certainly after L had been abusing me for a bit.  He was driving down one of the perimeter roads, one day,  and not too far off the road was L’s truck, and a short distance from there,  where I had been working before L had arrived and was forcing me to give him oral sex again.  As P’s truck slowed down a few hundred yards away, L told me since P was his buddy, he had told P to check something on that road and that he had set things up precisely so that P would see us.  P parked and walked out to the point he was supposed to be checking.   I was deeply humiliated as L laughed and said he had told P what a slut I was and P said he thought that I was too nice a girl to be that way, but that he, L had told P to drive out there and he would see for himself it was true.   As he knew P was watching, he said that he going to be sure to show P that I not only was I a slut, but one that liked it rough.  He then slapped me around and he got pumped up like he was performing for P. And shortly after it was evident he was done, and P was walking back to and getting into his truck, L told me to stand up and kiss him passionately or else he’d  hurt me bad. And he knew how to.  So he forced me to kiss him as P continued past us on down the road.  Later when I arrived back at the Division, he was there, I was very embarrassed and was afraid of what he might say to me, but he totally ignored me and acted like I wasn’t there. 

The next day however, when I was weed eating on another backwoods assignment L has sent me to alone,  he showed up and walked across the field to the edge of the woods where I was working. He motioned that he had to talk to me. As soon as I took off the goggles and face mask off, he hauled off and slapped me hard across the face and called me slut.  I was stunned and fell to my knees, dizzy with shock. Shit, not again.  He grabbed my hair and said something to the effect that it was obvious I had no shame and then he said L had told him how much I wanted to suck him off.  He said L had told him my secret and that I liked it rough and to be slapped, even though I told him no, please no it wasn‘t true.. he said L had told him that I’d say that, and pretend I didn’t want it, but that I really did and it was part of my game.  He said L had told him what I liked.  He then repeated what C and L had done, yanked me by the hair, forced me to do oral sex on him and then choked me as he ejaculated on me.  Then he slapped me again. He said now that he knew the secret and if I didn’t want everyone to know what a slut I was, then I was going to have to give him whatever he wanted it, whenever he wanted it.  *sigh*.   
 So.. They both used me and manipulated me in numerous ways. Repeatedly.  I learned to comply with their demands quickly to endure the least pain and embarrassment and get it over with as fast as possible.  I realized that they were working together to manipulate things so that I was always in situations during working hours where they could get me alone. . 


Every day I was on that base, I was in fear of what some man was going to make me do next.   And I still am. I hated work I hated life I hated the Navy.   I had terrible problems with many aspects of my life during that time as I am sure my personal records show
 There was also a Master Chief P on NTTC SC, who was like the first Chief and took delight in calling me into his office to tell me what a fuck up I was and that I was a sorry excuse for a sailor and that the sooner I got out of ‘This Man’s Navy’, the better off the Navy would be.  He would spew all sorts of venom on me, and all I could do was stand at attention and say “yes Sir’.   I don’t know if he ever knew what L and P were up to, but he certainly wasn’t anyone that one could ever tell.  In fact, there was never any one I could tell.  From my first day at my first base, to my last day on my last base, I was treated with disgust and disdain.   They told me that I wouldn’t make it ‘out there in the real world’ and that I would be back. But when I got out, I’d never go back. I served my time, and as a dear friend said, in ways I never should have had to.

I never ever told anyone about the extent of the sexual harassment and MST’s by C, L and P until this document. Not even Dr. L yet.

And yet, the thing I am most proud of in my life, is being a US Navy veteran, and what’s sicker still, is that even with what happened to me, I would serve my country to the best of my ability all over again.
 It was of some note to me to realize after talking with Dr. L, that indeed,  I have not been able to hold any job where a man was my direct boss, or even interview with men bosses since I left the Navy.  I thought I was just a failure and a loser like they told me I was.  Turns out, I am not those things, but I was and still am severely traumatized by them beating that into my head, heart, and body. Only my soul remained true to me, and by God’s grace, I have survived.

 NOTE: Jan 7, 2012
Yesterday was a terrible day.  I had worked on this statement all night. And then, yesterday morning, the severely disabled man I have been working with kept poking me, suddenly barking and growling loudly at me. I kept asking him nicely to stop and told him that he was scaring me.  He did this all during the movie I had to take him to, during lunch, and then while I was driving too.   He is totally untrainable and unpredictable..  After my shift, I sat in the car and sobbed, totally traumatized.  I wrote it in the daily notes at the end of my shift, and then I talked to the secretary at TheCompany and then had nightmares all nite.  So this morning I called and quit my job working with him. You can also call and talk to Thecompany, ask for C.  She can tell you how upset I am.  I just can’t make myself go back and face another day of it. I just CAN’T!!!

I wrote to Dr. L and she wrote this back to me:
R, it sounds like quitting was the right thing. Having a man, even a disabled one, physically touching you without your permission (and after asking him not to) would obviously trigger your PTSD. I read your account. I knew there were more incidents but I had no idea how frequent or severe they were. I am so sorry for all you  have been through, and the toll it has taken on your life. I am here for you, and hope I can help you to get through this. Thank you for trusting me with this intensely personal information.  I’ll see you tomorrow afternoon.

Dr. L

 “I hereby certify that the information I have given it true to the best of my knowledge and belief”

I've not been able to work since then.. and I am struggling to get along.  I am blessed in that I have a wonderful friend and partner that has given me a home and supports fully my path to wellness.
Over and Out,

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